Labyrinth (July 14-28)

1. Be a Student of What They are Learning

Not everyone has it together when it comes to knowing what God wants for their lives. But sometimes it certainly feels like everyone else does—and we don’t. And when your student feels that way, it can make them feel pretty left out and uncertain about their relationship with God and where their life is going. But what if hearing from God isn’t about exclusivity—who’s in and who’s out—but rather inclusivity, meaning that everyone gets to play in the game of God’s plan? When it comes to those not-so-easy life decisions, God has given us a very clear-cut grid based on His love for us, our love for Him and our love for others. So, knowing God’s will is less about signs and more about knowing the narrative of His great story and how we fit into it. God’s great love for you student is the most important factor in discovering His will for their life. So, when they wonder why they can’t seem to connect with God, we can encourage them that God does speak to them and wants them to be encouraged by His purpose for their lives.

2. Be a Student of Your Student

Do you remember when you left home? What it felt like the first time you paid your own bills, got your own gas and made your own dentist appointment? Do you remember what it felt like when the realization came that you were finally on your own? You were an adult, for better or for worse. For a lot of us, this feeling came when we packed our bags and headed off to college. Or, maybe it was when we graduated from college. Maybe for some of us, it was after we spent a few months at home following college graduation before we got our feet on the ground. But, for the most part, when we look back and try to recall the journey into adulthood, most of our journeys look the same. We packed our bags and we headed out.

Maybe you've noticed that things don't look that way anymore. And if you have noticed that, there is a reason. Adulthood for students today is taking a lot longer to reach than it once did. In fact, recent studies show that adulthood isn't reached until teenagers are in their mid to late twenties. Not eighteen, not college graduation, but years beyond. And there are many reasons why.

Historically, adolescents went through something called “stage development.” This meant that a student went through a progression of stages until they finally reached adulthood—until they were completely independent and self-sufficient. And, this was considered healthy, normal adolescent development. The problem is that these developmental stages don’t recognize what’s going on with kids today. Let’s take a look back. In the United States in 1900, the average age of puberty for young women and men was 14.5 years of age and at the age of 16, one was considered to be an “adult.” Now, let’s fast-forward a century to 2005. The average age of puberty drops to 11.7 but the mid to late twenties are now the new adulthood. The ever-expanding gap between early physical maturity and late emotional/developmental maturity can be very difficult for our students to navigate.

So, with this research, it is fair to say that there is an extension of adolescence. Our kids brains are taking longer to mature and develop, so their ability to take on the responsibility that adulthood requires isn't just something they are neglecting to do well, but something they can't necessarily do well for several more years. This means that the finish line we have for our kids—the one that says out of the house by eighteen and financially independent by graduation—may need to change. So what does this mean for parents of mid-to-late adolescents? How can we help our kids reach adulthood equipped with what they need to be successful?

We may need to see our job as parents as one that extends farther than it did for our parents when we were in our kid's shoes. We may need to open our doors back up after college while we work with them as they ease into the reality of the real world. We need to be their advocate. We need to be on their team. We need to be a partner to help them become the most confident and capable adults they can be—even it takes longer than we think it should. We need to be willing to move the finish line and allow our students the time they need to become the mature, well-rounded adults we know God is shaping them to be.

3. Action Point

It can be hard for many of us to think of resetting the finish line for our students and extending it past the commonly accepted milestone of high school graduation. Yet, today’s students are developmentally in a very different place than most of us were at the age of 18. For this Parent Cue, you are going to set aside some time to sit down with your student and help them set some spiritual, educational, personal and any other specific goals that they would like to see themselves reach at the age of 25. As you begin to set these goals, ask yourself the following question: How can I begin to help my student along the path of attaining these goals?

As well, as you and your student begin to dialog about these future goals, ask them what practical things would they like you to do to help them on their journey towards adulthood?

Remember, this exercise is not about your goals for your student, but rather their own goals for themselves. Be sure to listen to what their hopes and dreams are. If their goal is to have traveled the world by 25 instead of received their Master’s degree, be sure to encourage that dream while providing them with the wisdom you have gained from your own life experiences.

As well, as you help your student set his or her goals and as you begin to dialogue about how you can help, keep in mind that while this is an exercise in partnership, this is not meant to be an area that you take ownership over. Encourage healthy responsibility while recognizing your student’s need for extended support so that they have the best chance to become a spiritually healthy, emotionally well-rounded adult.

Get connected to a wider community of parents at www.orangeparents.org.

Reflection (May 19-26)

Here is an overview of what we’re talking about. Listed below the summary is a “parent cue” to help you dialog with your child about the session. The question is intended not just to be asked by you, but to be responded to by BOTH of you. Use this opportunity to find out what God is teaching your child, and allow your child to see what God is teaching you as well.

REFLECTION: Series Overview

What do you see when you look in the mirror? Many of us see what we’re not instead of who we actually are, don’t we? We see someone who burned dinner or spilled juice on the carpet. Someone who lost her car keys—again. Someone who is not the right height or weight. Someone plagued with could-have-beens and if-onlys. These disappointments and imperfections are why we want to cover up who we really are. We want to make sure that the world around us sees only the version of us that we want them to see. But the Bible tells us we are children of God—loved and treasured exactly as we are. Over the next two weeks, we are going to challenge your child to take a look at him or herself and dare to be real.

Session One: Masks (May 19)

The first week we are going to set up the series by talking about the masks that we all wear. Most of us know we can’t be perfect at everything, but we do have certain areas where we want to appear like we are. We want to be desirable and valued. We want to feel we are worth something. But in order to get those things, we feel the need to cover up who we really are. This week we will encourage your child to begin to allow others to see him or her for who they really are. We want your child to be free from hiding behind masks.

Session One Parent Cue:

-What are some masks you hide behind?

-Why do you hide?

Session Two: Uncovered (May 26)

Practice makes perfect. How many times have you heard that? How many times have you said it? Just like it takes practice to be a skilled musician or softball player, it takes practice to be content with the real you. This week we will share with your child just a little bit about what our heavenly Father thinks about him or her. We want to encourage your child to practice seeing who God sees when he or she looks in the mirror. Because when we learn to see ourselves as God sees us, we can be free to live without the mask and be who we truly are.

Session Two Parent Cue: 

-How does God see me?

-Why do you think this is hard to believe?

-How can we help each other see ourselves how God sees us? 

FOR PARENTS ONLY:

Here in the U.S., we celebrate a day for mothers, a day for fathers and a day for grandparents. But we never have a celebration for the whole family. But that’s not true elsewhere.

Family Day is actually the name of a public holiday set aside to celebrate families. One of the places Family Day is celebrated is in the Canadian provinces of Alberta, Ontario and Saskatchewan. Below are the comments of a Canadian pastor and father of two teenage boys (ages 12 and 16), as he reflected on his Family Day celebration. As you read his words, think about your own family. How could you begin to establish some family celebration into your daily routine this month?

Family Day... Every Day

by Carey Nieuwhof

We celebrated our first family day in Ontario today... a celebration, our premier says, of family, because families need more time together. Good idea.

We're at the stage in our family where racking up the mileage on the car is not hard—hockey rules, and right now we're all over the place in playoffs. Between hockey and work, there's not a lot of time left. But because time is the key to relationship, and relationship is the key to life in Christ, we have to think creatively about how we as a family can leverage the time we have.

To me, as the kids get older, the key is not just praying together or reading the Bible together (that's important and necessary), but the key is opening a dialogue about faith and life that runs through life. That can be a lot trickier. Personally, I find conversations about God and life happen best in the flow of everyday life.

Here's what we do to try to track together at this stage in life (my boys are 16 and 12):

• We eat dinner together almost every night.

• We serve together on Sundays.

• We listen to music together. We let the kids drive the playlist because whatever they choose sure beats four people living together with four iPods running four separate soundtracks.

• I let my 16-year-old drive wherever he's legally allowed because it gives us time together.

• I'm reading through the book of Daniel with Sam (age 12).

• We play board games, watch movies and read in the same space.

• I'm trying not to stay at work too late or let work come home with me too often.

• We try to take several shorter vacations together each year.

This may all sound like pretty normal, unimaginative stuff, but the key to relationship is time. What things do you do with your family? What helps you keep communication with your child wide open?

2010 Orange. All rights reserved. 

Get connected to a wider community of parents at www.orangeparents.org.

Let It Go (Apr 28-May 12)

1. Be a Student of What They are Learning

“I just can’t let it go.” “They don’t deserve to be forgiven.” “It hurts too much to move on.” Maybe you’ve heard your students say something like this in the midst of pain, frustration and anger towards someone who has hurt them—or maybe you’ve said or thought something similar yourself. Choosing to forgive someone who has hurt us is never easy. So why does it matter so much that we do it? How do we know when we should do it? And how do we know we have actually healed from the pain an offense has caused? How do we simply let it go?

 

2. Be a Student of Your Student

I can think of multiple times in my life when I’ve been in an emotional stand off with someone over something they did or said—or maybe something they didn’t say or didn’t do. Taking the first steps towards getting back on good terms is simple enough—in theory. But saying the words “I’m sorry” often feels like it costs too much. So, too often we choose silence in the hopes that time will fix it, instead of intentional reconciliation.

Unfortunately, not apologizing can be costly—maybe even especially to the relationship with our teenagers. Maybe sometimes you don’t want to apologize because you know that they are the one who did something wrong. Maybe in reaction to something your son did, you lashed out and said something that was a little harsh—but you excused it because his behavior was completely unacceptable. Or maybe you found yourself sneaking through bedroom drawers just to squelch some rising suspicions and it really broke your daughter’s trust—but you were justified in what you did, so an apology seems unnecessary. You didn’t do anything outside of your parental rights, per se, but your son or daughter feels hurt, betrayed or angry.

Saying I’m sorry can be so hard. Admitting you’re wrong, or that you even had a small part in an argument or bad situation, can physically hurt sometimes. It doesn’t sit well. On the other hand, when someone has apologized to you, or you have made the first step towards reconciliation, something distinct and compelling happens. There is a sense of relief, of vulnerability and calm. All from simply saying—or hearing—“I’m sorry.”

What is it about an apology that can be so powerful—both for the receiver of the apology and the one actually apologizing?

To understand this a bit more, we want to share some excerpts from an article entitled “The Power of Apology: How to give and receive an apology. And it’s worth it, on both ends” by Beverly Engel featured in Psychology Today in June 2013, and taken from the book The Power of Apology by Beverly Engel: (To read the full article, go to http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200208/the-power-apology.)

As you read, try to focus on the bolded words—on what giving an apology does—and try to imagine these action words taking place in the context of your relationship with your son or daughter:

“Apology has the ability to disarm others of their anger and to prevent further misunderstandings. While an apology cannot undo harmful past actions, if done sincerely and effectively, it can undo the negative effects of those actions … Apologizing helps us remain emotionally connected to our friends and loved ones.…

So, the next time you find yourself in a stand off with your spouse, a co-worker, a friend, or even your son or daughter, remember that more is on the line than just your pride and sense of justice. The future relationship, the ability to stay connected to and vulnerable with that person, is on the line, too. The words “I’m sorry” may be hard to say, but they are always worth the effort!

3. Action Point
The action point for this series is pretty straightforward: Apologize to your student.

But sometimes this is easier said than done. So what are some characteristics of a meaningful apology?

First of all, admit that you are truly sorry for the hurt or damage you caused. It’s easy with our students to unintentionally do or say something that they take personally. And even though we don’t always mean things the way they hear or experience them, the hurt that can be caused is still real to them. So, while you may not have meant to be hurtful, recognizing that someone else was hurt by your actions is incredibly important.

Secondly, a sincere and powerful apology includes an acceptance of responsibility. This may seem like the same thing as admitting you are sorry for the hurt you caused. But it actually takes this idea of admittance one step further. When you accept responsibility, you are not making excuses for what you did, which often has the effect of negating the apology. It’s like when your student says, “I’m really sorry that I dented the car, but the other driver was way too close to me and I couldn’t see them well out of my side mirror.” Too many excuses cloud a good apology with a message of “It really wasn’t my fault.” For an apology to be meaningful and sincere, you have to communicate that you take full responsibility for your actions.

And lastly, there should always be something in your apology that shows you have a desire to remedy the situation. You obviously can’t go back and undo what was done—or not done—but you can offer a plan to make sure it doesn’t happen again. So, if you’ve missed your son’s basketball game … again … and he is really hurt and angry, make a plan and offer a promise to get to one of his upcoming games. And then do it! An empty promise will only make the hurt deeper, so don’t promise what you can’t deliver. But be sure to offer some sort of a plan of action so that your son or daughter knows that you will work towards not repeating the action that hurt them in the first place.

Take some time to think through what a meaningful apology might look like for your son or daughter. And then, go say the words that make all the difference in the world—I’m sorry.

Get connected to a wider community of parents at www.orangeparents.org.

I Wish (Apr 7-21)

1. Be a Student of What They are Learning 

One of the hardest lessons in life is learning how to deal with regret. And one of the most valuable lessons is learning how to avoid it altogether. In every choice our students make, they have the power to walk down two roads: I wish I had or I’m glad I did. And when they understand that God will be with them in the midst of every decision they make, every moment of pressure they feel and even those times when they don’t make the best decision and have to deal with the sting of regret, they can walk through life with courage and discover who God has created them to be.

2. Be a Student of Your Student 

The teenage brain can often feel like a complete mystery. But some exciting research is pinpointing the growth and development of the adolescent brain and helping us get a better understanding of why teenagers can seem at once so mature and capable and conversely so quick to make really poor decisions.

A recent article in Harvard Magazine entitled “A WORK IN PROGRESS: The Teen Brain” by Debra Bradley Ruder (September-October 2008) sheds some light on the development of the adolescent brain: 

"Human and animal studies, Jensen and Urion note, have shown that the brain grows and changes continually in young people—and that it is only about 80 percent developed in adolescents. The largest part, the cortex, is divided into lobes that mature from back to front. The last section to connect is the frontal lobe, responsible for cognitive processes such as reasoning, planning, and judgment. Normally this mental merger is not completed until somewhere between ages 25 and 30—much later than these two neurologists were taught in medical school … For his part, Urion believes programs aimed at preventing risky adolescent behaviors would be more effective if they offered practical strategies for making in-the-moment decisions, rather than merely lecturing teens about the behaviors themselves. (‘I have yet to meet a pregnant teenager who didn’t know biologically how this transpired,’ he says.)” (To read the full article, go to http://harvardmagazine.com/2008/09/the-teen-brain.html.)

While the science behind how the adolescent brain works is groundbreaking, the big takeaway is how we can help our students navigate good decision-making strategies. This starts on the front end. Take the time to talk to your students—to get inside their heads and lives—and understand the pressures, temptations and struggles people their age are dealing with. And then, help them talk and think through some good strategies for dealing with those pressures and temptations. (Note: Your student may be reluctant to talk about their personal struggles, but more willing to talk about the struggles of those in their peer group or age). Doing this doesn’t mean there won’t still be some major mess-ups or an occasional need to push the reset button, but this is a great place to start.

And when those moments do happen, making us scratch our heads—wondering how they could’ve made such a poor decision, gotten involved in such a bad crowd or simply been so naïve—our reaction matters. In that moment, we have a very important decision to make. And it’s one that can help or hurt our relationship with our student.

While flying off the handle may feel like the natural and appropriate response, when you stop, listen and keep your emotions under control, you create an opportunity for your student to open up to you, not only in the moment, but in the future as well. More than that, your student is watching your body language, and taking note of the tone of your voice, gauging the message you are sending non-verbally as well as verbally. Something as simple as crossing your arms and clenching your jaw as they unload can communicate a message you may not be intending. Your reaction trains them, whether you realize it or not, how to come to you—or not come to you—the next time they mess up. You have the opportunity to create a safe space, giving the relationship breathing room and creating an opportunity for more than a lecture, but for real growth.

3. Action Point/Tip 

So, how can you work at helping your student navigate the regret they might feel after they’ve made a poor choice or a bad decision?

First, create a tentative plan on how to react when your student comes to you with some less than favorable news. What do you want to be sure to communicate? What do you want to be sure not to communicate? If you’re married, talk to your spouse and make sure that you are both on the same page about how you will react.

And remember, you don’t only communicate through your words. What other ways can you communicate care and understanding—your tone of voice, your body language, your emotions? At this stage in the game, parenting is less about control and authority and more about coaching and influence. How can your reaction to your teenager in a tense moment be more coaching-oriented than control-oriented?

More than anything, what students need to know and hear—though they may never vocalize it themselves—is that they are loved. No matter what. Chances are, whatever your student has done that they feel regret over, they also feel guilt over, and are fearful of rejection from you because of their actions. Creating a plan on how to communicate your love and acceptance to your student regardless of what they do or don’t do will ultimately set you up for success when they demonstrate some less than desirable behavior. 

Get connected to a wider community of parents at www.orangeparents.org.