Comparison Trap (Aug 24-Sep 7)

We’re Teaching This:

On a scale of one to ten, how do you measure up? Are you tall enough? Pretty enough? Smart enough? Funny enough? And on that scale, which number represents enough? Do you have to score a ten or will a solid seven do? How about a five? It’s better than average, right? Most of us measure how we’re doing by how everyone else is doing. Not a day goes by that we’re not tempted to glance to our left and to our right to see how we measure up to the people around us. This is especially true at school. We see everyone else’s grades, clothes, athletic ability, talent, and popularity. And it’s easy to feel like we don’t measure up.  So we adjust course, try harder, spend more, and then compare again. It's exhausting. In this 3-part series, Andy Stanley explores the difficult—but not impossible—challenge of escaping The Comparison Trap.

Think About This:

Parenting is hard. We probably knew going in that it wouldn’t always be a walk in the park. But, as a parent, have you noticed there are some curve balls that you just don’t know how to handle?

Chances are, you knew your kids were going to be different from one another. But it’s also likely you had no idea just how different they could be until you started raising them—until they hit a certain age and suddenly what you assumed would be true of one of your kids because it was true of an older one—just isn’t. Sometimes it feels like you have to learn how to parent all over again with each child. And sometimes not just with each child, but through each life-stage your children experience.

We may not do it on purpose, but there is a tendency to compare that comes so naturally and so easily. We bring attention to the ways our students are different from their siblings, their friends, our friends, and even earlier versions of themselves. It’s so tempting to say, “But why can’t you just be like______?” The problem is, comparison rarely works. It doesn’t make students want to try harder and it can often lead to resentment toward the parents and the sibling with whom they’re compared. Even within the family, there is no win in comparison.

Sameness isn’t even really a goal worth shooting for. Maybe there are traits in one of your children that you’d like the others to take on. That’s great, but you probably don’t want them to be exact replicas. A better goal is to be intentional in learning, studying, and celebrating the personality and wiring of each individual child.

Try This:

No one wants to feel like they don’t measure up. Especially not in the place where they want to feel the safest and most secure. Work on making your family and your home the place where who your child is celebrated and not compared.

This week, point out something in your teenager that you appreciate. Find something that you have seen grow and develop in them that is a strength and then tell them how proud of them you are.

Then find something that, at first glance, feels like something you would change—that you would compare to someone else and wish away. And then find a way to leverage it. To see the good in it. For example,

• “I know I’m often on your case about talking too much in class, but I want you to know that I also love how social you are. You are great at managing a lot of friendships.”
• “I know that I get upset when you fight with your younger brother, but I also recognize that you’re just trying to get him to act in a way that is more socially acceptable. Thanks for wanting to help him.”
• “Yesterday we had an argument about playing guitar instead of cleaning your room. While I still want you to have a clean room, I’m also really proud of you for working so hard to learn to play the guitar well.”

Finding a way to celebrate something you had vocally been frustrated over in the past will mean more than you can imagine to your student. Don’t underestimate the value of your affirmation.

Get connected to a wider community of parents at www.orangeparents.org.

Change (June 22-July 6)

 

 

 

 

 

We’re Teaching This:

 

Do you every wonder if your life would be better with just a little more money? Of course you have! Maybe you want to buy more clothes, more music, or maybe you want to go to a concert with your friends.  Wanting money is a no-brainer. But is that all there is to it? Is our only role with money to spend what we have and want more when it’s gone? As students, it’s easy to feel powerless when it comes to cash. Someone else pays the bills. Someone else makes the decisions. But what if I told you that you have more power than you realize? You have the power to help your family, change your habits, and even impact others in a big way. The truth is, money matters. Right here. Right now. And when you choose to change the way you think about it, God can do some big things in you and even bigger things through you.

Think About This:

 

Remember when you couldn’t wait until a certain TV show came on? Or you couldn’t wait to get the new album by your favorite artist? Or you couldn’t wait for someone to get off the phone so you could talk to your friends? These days, it seems like waiting and anticipation are long gone. Movies and tv are on-demand. Downloads are instant. Friends are just a click away.

 

While these conveniences aren’t bad, the get-it-now mentality can easily drift into other areas of our life. We want a new phone before the contract is up. We want a new iPad, even when the old one works fine. The faster we get something new, the faster we expect to receive other things. And, especially for students, it becomes easy to mistake, “I want it now” for “I deserve it now”.   

In his blog post, Pace Yourself, Pace Your Kids, author Tim Elmore says, We must figure out how to pace our students, exposing them to measured amounts of possessions and appropriate experiences as they mature. In other words, if we give our students everything they want now, there will be nothing to look forward to later.  He goes on to offer some advice to parents, struggling to help their student master the art of anticipation:

1.       Pace the sequence of possessions and experiences, allowing for a bigger and better one, as they mature. For instance, you might plan…a trip across the U.S. when they're in middle school and a trip overseas when they're in high school.

2.      Don't fall into the trap of comparisons. Other parents may win brownie points with their kids because they give them too much, too soon. Those kids who are "wowed" in the moment, … may have difficulty managing expectations as young adults.

Pacing what we give our students, allowing anticipation to build, is certainly not easy. But it does help them learn to be content with what they have, right here and right now.

From http://growingleaders.com/blog/pace-pace-kids-2/

Try This

 

Nothing can help a student be content with what they have more than noticing what they have. Often, students have no idea how much money goes into everything that is provided for them. Things like electricity, water, clothing, and transportation. Consider inviting your student to join you as you work on the family budget. The parent(s) can…

 

1. Ask for his or her help with the math.
2. Ask for input on where the family could save money.
3. Ask students to help you find a way to be more generous.

Not only will it help students to see where money goes on their behalf, but seeing a real budget, in a real house, can help them make wise choices with their own money as they enter adulthood.

 

Get connected to a wider community of parents at www.orangeparents.org.

Unlikely (June 1-15)

WHAT WE’RE TALKING ABOUT:

Here is an overview of what we’re talking about. Listed below the summary is a “parent cue” to help you dialog with your child about the session. The question is intended not just to be asked by you, but to be responded to by BOTH of you. Use this opportunity to find out what God is teaching your child, and allow your child to see what God is teaching you as well.

Unlikely

Series Overview

If you haven’t noticed by now, we’re going to clue you in on something big about God—He doesn’t exactly operate like most of us. What we mean is, He chooses the most unlikely people to work through. He shows up in the most unlikely places. And then He asks us to respond in ways that are unlikely and go against our normal response. And what it all boils down to is this—you and I are unlikely people God uses in unlikely places to respond in unlikely ways.

Session One: An Unlikely Person (June 1)

Sometimes we think that everyone else is more qualified or likely than we are to be a part of God’s story. But even though we may feel insignificant, unimportant or unworthy, God says we are not only valuable—we are wanted! Even though we, or even others, would declare us unlikely, God says we’re not. He declares the unlikely, “likely.” Because what God wants is people who are available—He always picks availability over ability.

Session One Parent Cue: Describe a time when you felt unlikely.

Session Two: An Unlikely Place (June 8)

At youth group. At a retreat. With Christian friends. Those are the likely places we expect to find God. But the funny thing about Him is that He doesn’t like to be boxed in. God shows up in the most unlikely places. Just look at how Jesus came into the world—in relative obscurity. And if we look at some areas of our lives, we would probably say that God would show up anywhere but here—whether “here” is homeroom, the hallways at school, your job bagging groceries or even your home. But remember that God shows up in the most unlikely places.

Session Two Parent Cue: Have you ever sent glimpses of God at work in unlikely places or circumstances?

Session Three: An Unlikely Response (June 15)

If someone hits you, you hit him back. Or if someone says something mean about you, you say something mean back. Be cool with people who are cool to you and dislike people who are not. Now, some of us wouldn’t come right out and say we agree with those statements. But behind closed doors or in our heads, most of us would agree with it. This week, we’re going to take a look at some Jesus’ words, words that called for some very unlikely responses to those around us.

Session Three Parent Cue: Jesus calls us to respond in unlikely ways. What are some ways that you can respond in unlikely ways to the people you encounter each day? (bless those who curse you, forgive, etc.) 

FOR PARENTS ONLY:

E-mail/Blog Post for parents

Parents sometimes feel like the most unlikely people in the world. But God thinks otherwise. Here’s some encouragement from our student ministry. We believe in you!

THE UNLIKELY LIFE OF A PARENT

By Tim Walker

The concept of “unlikely” is nothing new to parents, is it? Just think about it. As parents, we are constantly realizing we are unlikely people God uses in unlikely places to respond in unlikely ways. Let’s break that down (insert crazy beat, okay, maybe not):

We are unlikely. No matter how much we thought we knew about being a parent before we actually were one, there is nothing that makes a mom or dad feel unlikely than coming home with a newborn baby. Being a parent changes everything. We never hear a screaming baby in the store or a restaurant the same way again. We never look at a tired parent chasing a toddler the same way again. We never look at the parent of a teen standing there dazed and confused the same way again. Becoming a parent brings the reality that no matter how much we thought we knew, we realize it’s not as simple as we once thought.

There are times when we feel like the most ineffective parent, and then there are times when we get a sense of hope that maybe the future therapy bill of our children may not be as high as we feared it would be.

As much as parenting may seem like a roller coaster of a ride, God placed us in this role on purpose. He gave us the role to be our child’s mother, or our child’s father. Even though we may have considered ourselves an unlikely person to be a parent, or wondering since becoming one if we are as qualified for the job as we think we should be, God thinks we are. That’s why He entrusted our child to our care. The Bible is filled with examples of God using unlikely people—people who had counted themselves out, and people others counted out as well. But the more these unlikely people leaned into Him and made themselves available, the more God worked through them.

God uses us in unlikely places. It seems like there’s no more unlikely place to find God than cleaning up after a sick child in the middle of the night. Or waiting in a long line at an amusement park. Or driving the kids to practice or class. But God can use even the most mundane, ordinary, unlikely places in our lives to impact others. Sometimes it’s in the places we would least expect to find God that we run straight into Him.

But it isn’t just the physical places that seem unlikely for big things to happen. Sometimes life throws us curve balls and with little to no warning and we find ourselves in the midst of a job loss, an illness, or a divorce. It’s in these places that we wonder, “Can anything good come from here? Can this be used for anything bigger than just hurt and pain?” Fortunately, God has a reputation for showing up in the places we least expect Him to, to do the things we would least anticipate. After all, He chose a stable to make His appearance on Earth and a cross as a way to conquer death. Not exactly what we may have had in mind. But God isn’t limited by an unlikely situation or an unlikely place.

No matter how broken your home, no matter how financially messy your life, no matter how stressful your job, don’t count God out. He just may show up when you least expect Him. Look for Him.

God calls us to respond in unlikely ways. One of the more tricky things about parenting is, just when it seems like we have it figured out, our kids change, grow up and throw a wrench in our whole philosophy. We can never stay comfortable where we are for very long.

There will be times when we will best love our kids by providing boundaries and discipline, and there are times when we will best love our kids by extending grace in the midst of some big mistakes. Unfortunately, there is no formula or equation to figure out when to do what. Parenting keeps us on our toes—requiring us to grow and change in our parenting skills just as our kids grown and mature.

The one constant is our need to remember to love. At all times. At all costs. Sometimes that seems like too big a request. An unlikely response when our teenager has pushed every last button and challenged every last rule. But those are the times we can best demonstrate the heart God has for them—and for us too. Responding in love is a lesson worth learning. It may not feel natural. And it may not come easily. But it can be the beginning of you and your child better understanding the love God has lavished on us.

So just remember, even though you may feel like an unlikely candidate in an unlikely place to be the parent your teenager needs, God can use you just as you are, just where you are, to respond in unlikely ways. 

© 2010 The reThink Group, Inc. Used with permission.

Get connected to a wider community of parents at www.orangeparents.org.

No Limits (Apr 27-May 18)

 

 

 

 

 

 

We’re Teaching This:

When you were little, what did you dream about becoming? An astronaut? A ballerina? A professional wrestler? Whatever it was, chances are it was something that you felt was important. Something big.  That’s the thing about little kids— they dream big because no one has told them that they can’t do something yet. They literally have no limits. But as we grow up we start to see the areas we lack. We’re not the most popular, influential or talented. And eventually we start to wonder if we can ever do or be anything significant. That’s exactly what happened to a guy named Moses. With a tough past and not many real skills, he had no reason to believe that his life would be used to do anything extraordinary. But after a few encounters with God, Moses’ perspective changed completely. He found that with God, there is no limit to what you can do.

 

Think About This:

Do you ever wonder if you’re that parent? You know the one. The imaginary bar determining your success as a parent is always just out of reach. Or maybe you worry about over-parenting. You know you should probably back off a little bit—but you can’t help but always push, expect, encourage the best from your student. The truth is, parents usually are not satisfied with how they’re parenting—whether that is too much, too little, or a strange combination of both. And, every student is different—so it’s hard to gauge whether we are pushing them to succeed or pushing them to the brink of a breakdown. At some point or another, most of us wonder whether we expect too much or too little.  

 

Research seems to suggest that, knowingly or unknowingly, most of us err on the side of too much pressure.  In the Pew Research article, Parental Pressure on Students, authors Richard Wike and Juliana Horowitz ask, Have American parents become too pushy about their kids’ education? Many experts seem to think so, judging from several new books by journalists and psychologists that bemoan the growing pressure students feel to do well in school. But at least one group of non-experts — the American public — begs to differ. According to a Pew Global Attitudes survey, most Americans think parents are not pushing their children hard enough.

 

In other words, while most of us think we aren’t expecting enough out of our students, researchers and experts feel our expectations may be a little too high. So what exactly are we supposed to do?

 

Visit tomorrow but live in today. Especially with high school students, it’s easy to let most of our conversations drift toward what happens next. Decisions about classes, study habits, dating, and extra-curriculars lure us towards focusing on the future. And sure, college is coming, but our student isn’t there yet. For them, it can be overwhelming to feel like they have to have all of the answers about what’s next while still juggling the expectations they feel today. That doesn’t mean we should never talk about future goals, but don’t let it take up all of your conversational space. Be present in their present.

 

Believe the best —and say so. Sometimes our students will win in a certain situation and sometimes they’ll lose. Sometimes their choices will make us proud and other times they’ll make us cringe. Most students have a tendency to confuse our feelings about their actions with our feelings about them. But in every situation, communicate your belief in your student. Their performance, their behavior, their attitudes don’t diminish their value. They’re significant. Valuable. Worthwhile. Don’t ever miss a chance to tell them so. Consider making an extra effort to communicate that you believe good things about them regardless of how they perform at school or on the athletic field. Try saying something like this, “I wish you hadn’t cheated on your test and there will definitely be some consequences, but I don’t believe this is in your character. I know you’re an honest person and next time I really think you’ll study harder to make the grade.”

Try This

Sometimes what we say and what the other person hears are two different things. Often, it’s hard to know if they could use a little extra encouragement or a little less pressure.  Try asking your student for feedback using the tool below. Chances are you and your student will have different answers. That’s okay! Don’t let it discourage you! Use it as a conversation starter. Afterward consider showing your student how you answered. No need to make it a formal meeting. And, this doesn’t mean that you have to give in when they say, “I want you to bug me less about my math grade”. It simply shows them that you care what they think and it gives you both a way to get on the same page as you move forward.

 

Click on the link to access and download the activity:

No Limits Survey      

 

Use the section labeled “For the parent” to gauge where on the scale your parenting falls. Then cut along the dotted line and give the section labeled “For the student” to your student. Don’t ask them to complete it in front of you. Give them space to think about it and a place they can leave it for you when they finish.

Get connected to a wider community of parents at www.orangeparents.org.