Let It Go (Apr 28-May 12)

1. Be a Student of What They are Learning

“I just can’t let it go.” “They don’t deserve to be forgiven.” “It hurts too much to move on.” Maybe you’ve heard your students say something like this in the midst of pain, frustration and anger towards someone who has hurt them—or maybe you’ve said or thought something similar yourself. Choosing to forgive someone who has hurt us is never easy. So why does it matter so much that we do it? How do we know when we should do it? And how do we know we have actually healed from the pain an offense has caused? How do we simply let it go?

 

2. Be a Student of Your Student

I can think of multiple times in my life when I’ve been in an emotional stand off with someone over something they did or said—or maybe something they didn’t say or didn’t do. Taking the first steps towards getting back on good terms is simple enough—in theory. But saying the words “I’m sorry” often feels like it costs too much. So, too often we choose silence in the hopes that time will fix it, instead of intentional reconciliation.

Unfortunately, not apologizing can be costly—maybe even especially to the relationship with our teenagers. Maybe sometimes you don’t want to apologize because you know that they are the one who did something wrong. Maybe in reaction to something your son did, you lashed out and said something that was a little harsh—but you excused it because his behavior was completely unacceptable. Or maybe you found yourself sneaking through bedroom drawers just to squelch some rising suspicions and it really broke your daughter’s trust—but you were justified in what you did, so an apology seems unnecessary. You didn’t do anything outside of your parental rights, per se, but your son or daughter feels hurt, betrayed or angry.

Saying I’m sorry can be so hard. Admitting you’re wrong, or that you even had a small part in an argument or bad situation, can physically hurt sometimes. It doesn’t sit well. On the other hand, when someone has apologized to you, or you have made the first step towards reconciliation, something distinct and compelling happens. There is a sense of relief, of vulnerability and calm. All from simply saying—or hearing—“I’m sorry.”

What is it about an apology that can be so powerful—both for the receiver of the apology and the one actually apologizing?

To understand this a bit more, we want to share some excerpts from an article entitled “The Power of Apology: How to give and receive an apology. And it’s worth it, on both ends” by Beverly Engel featured in Psychology Today in June 2013, and taken from the book The Power of Apology by Beverly Engel: (To read the full article, go to http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200208/the-power-apology.)

As you read, try to focus on the bolded words—on what giving an apology does—and try to imagine these action words taking place in the context of your relationship with your son or daughter:

“Apology has the ability to disarm others of their anger and to prevent further misunderstandings. While an apology cannot undo harmful past actions, if done sincerely and effectively, it can undo the negative effects of those actions … Apologizing helps us remain emotionally connected to our friends and loved ones.…

So, the next time you find yourself in a stand off with your spouse, a co-worker, a friend, or even your son or daughter, remember that more is on the line than just your pride and sense of justice. The future relationship, the ability to stay connected to and vulnerable with that person, is on the line, too. The words “I’m sorry” may be hard to say, but they are always worth the effort!

3. Action Point
The action point for this series is pretty straightforward: Apologize to your student.

But sometimes this is easier said than done. So what are some characteristics of a meaningful apology?

First of all, admit that you are truly sorry for the hurt or damage you caused. It’s easy with our students to unintentionally do or say something that they take personally. And even though we don’t always mean things the way they hear or experience them, the hurt that can be caused is still real to them. So, while you may not have meant to be hurtful, recognizing that someone else was hurt by your actions is incredibly important.

Secondly, a sincere and powerful apology includes an acceptance of responsibility. This may seem like the same thing as admitting you are sorry for the hurt you caused. But it actually takes this idea of admittance one step further. When you accept responsibility, you are not making excuses for what you did, which often has the effect of negating the apology. It’s like when your student says, “I’m really sorry that I dented the car, but the other driver was way too close to me and I couldn’t see them well out of my side mirror.” Too many excuses cloud a good apology with a message of “It really wasn’t my fault.” For an apology to be meaningful and sincere, you have to communicate that you take full responsibility for your actions.

And lastly, there should always be something in your apology that shows you have a desire to remedy the situation. You obviously can’t go back and undo what was done—or not done—but you can offer a plan to make sure it doesn’t happen again. So, if you’ve missed your son’s basketball game … again … and he is really hurt and angry, make a plan and offer a promise to get to one of his upcoming games. And then do it! An empty promise will only make the hurt deeper, so don’t promise what you can’t deliver. But be sure to offer some sort of a plan of action so that your son or daughter knows that you will work towards not repeating the action that hurt them in the first place.

Take some time to think through what a meaningful apology might look like for your son or daughter. And then, go say the words that make all the difference in the world—I’m sorry.

Get connected to a wider community of parents at www.orangeparents.org.

I Wish (Apr 7-21)

1. Be a Student of What They are Learning 

One of the hardest lessons in life is learning how to deal with regret. And one of the most valuable lessons is learning how to avoid it altogether. In every choice our students make, they have the power to walk down two roads: I wish I had or I’m glad I did. And when they understand that God will be with them in the midst of every decision they make, every moment of pressure they feel and even those times when they don’t make the best decision and have to deal with the sting of regret, they can walk through life with courage and discover who God has created them to be.

2. Be a Student of Your Student 

The teenage brain can often feel like a complete mystery. But some exciting research is pinpointing the growth and development of the adolescent brain and helping us get a better understanding of why teenagers can seem at once so mature and capable and conversely so quick to make really poor decisions.

A recent article in Harvard Magazine entitled “A WORK IN PROGRESS: The Teen Brain” by Debra Bradley Ruder (September-October 2008) sheds some light on the development of the adolescent brain: 

"Human and animal studies, Jensen and Urion note, have shown that the brain grows and changes continually in young people—and that it is only about 80 percent developed in adolescents. The largest part, the cortex, is divided into lobes that mature from back to front. The last section to connect is the frontal lobe, responsible for cognitive processes such as reasoning, planning, and judgment. Normally this mental merger is not completed until somewhere between ages 25 and 30—much later than these two neurologists were taught in medical school … For his part, Urion believes programs aimed at preventing risky adolescent behaviors would be more effective if they offered practical strategies for making in-the-moment decisions, rather than merely lecturing teens about the behaviors themselves. (‘I have yet to meet a pregnant teenager who didn’t know biologically how this transpired,’ he says.)” (To read the full article, go to http://harvardmagazine.com/2008/09/the-teen-brain.html.)

While the science behind how the adolescent brain works is groundbreaking, the big takeaway is how we can help our students navigate good decision-making strategies. This starts on the front end. Take the time to talk to your students—to get inside their heads and lives—and understand the pressures, temptations and struggles people their age are dealing with. And then, help them talk and think through some good strategies for dealing with those pressures and temptations. (Note: Your student may be reluctant to talk about their personal struggles, but more willing to talk about the struggles of those in their peer group or age). Doing this doesn’t mean there won’t still be some major mess-ups or an occasional need to push the reset button, but this is a great place to start.

And when those moments do happen, making us scratch our heads—wondering how they could’ve made such a poor decision, gotten involved in such a bad crowd or simply been so naïve—our reaction matters. In that moment, we have a very important decision to make. And it’s one that can help or hurt our relationship with our student.

While flying off the handle may feel like the natural and appropriate response, when you stop, listen and keep your emotions under control, you create an opportunity for your student to open up to you, not only in the moment, but in the future as well. More than that, your student is watching your body language, and taking note of the tone of your voice, gauging the message you are sending non-verbally as well as verbally. Something as simple as crossing your arms and clenching your jaw as they unload can communicate a message you may not be intending. Your reaction trains them, whether you realize it or not, how to come to you—or not come to you—the next time they mess up. You have the opportunity to create a safe space, giving the relationship breathing room and creating an opportunity for more than a lecture, but for real growth.

3. Action Point/Tip 

So, how can you work at helping your student navigate the regret they might feel after they’ve made a poor choice or a bad decision?

First, create a tentative plan on how to react when your student comes to you with some less than favorable news. What do you want to be sure to communicate? What do you want to be sure not to communicate? If you’re married, talk to your spouse and make sure that you are both on the same page about how you will react.

And remember, you don’t only communicate through your words. What other ways can you communicate care and understanding—your tone of voice, your body language, your emotions? At this stage in the game, parenting is less about control and authority and more about coaching and influence. How can your reaction to your teenager in a tense moment be more coaching-oriented than control-oriented?

More than anything, what students need to know and hear—though they may never vocalize it themselves—is that they are loved. No matter what. Chances are, whatever your student has done that they feel regret over, they also feel guilt over, and are fearful of rejection from you because of their actions. Creating a plan on how to communicate your love and acceptance to your student regardless of what they do or don’t do will ultimately set you up for success when they demonstrate some less than desirable behavior. 

Get connected to a wider community of parents at www.orangeparents.org.

Reveal (Mar 17-31)

1. Be a Student of What They are Learning

The way we use the word miracle can be pretty broad. And when our students talk about miracles, it can range from “Getting through that exam was a miracle” to “I need a miracle for my mom to be cured of her cancer.” But miracles are about more than just the supernatural occurrence, whether that’s making the grade or witnessing an unexplainable healing. A miracle reveals God’s activity, and the greatest miracle—Jesus’ resurrection—is an invitation to participate in God’s activity by putting the past behind us and choosing to become a new creation, every day.

 

2. Be a Student of Your Student

Miracles aren’t something we think about in our everyday lives. And for some of us parents, our biggest miracle may be that we got through the day without a massive fight with our son or daughter, or simply that our teenager chose to talk to us at all. But sometimes—every now and then—we truly need something that feels miraculous—maybe even impossible. And our students sometimes need that too.

 

Often the things our kids want can seem trite, unimportant and petty to us. They want to find the perfect dress for the upcoming school dance and nothing fits. They want to make the football team. They want their Spanish teacher to stop giving homework over the weekends. To them these moments can feel like the end of the world, even though we know they aren’t really all that important in the greater scheme of things. But sometimes our students really do need a miracle. Because their best friend was suddenly diagnosed with a brain tumor. Because your family is struggling through a recent divorce. Because they are being bullied at school and can’t seem to find a way out. And in those times, they might be looking at you and asking, “Why is this happening? Where is the miracle I need right now?"

 

When you’re staring down your teenage son or daughter and the loaded and heavy question of why starts to rise up, there is a powerful statement that we want to give you permission to use: “I don’t know."

 

Saying I don’t know may feel like a cop-out. It might feel like you aren’t giving your student everything they want in that moment. And it’s true, you aren’t. Because you can’t provide the cure for a rare form of cancer or fix overnight the pain from a broken family. But you can be present and real with your student in the midst of tragedy and uncertainty. And most often, this is what they need the most. It’s what they are looking for and what they are craving. When you make yourself vulnerable, when you admit that you don’t have it all figured out either, you allow your student a chance to lean in to your relationship. You invite them into an opportunity to walk through the difficulty together, on the same page and with equal footing, standing in the “I don’t know” moment together.

 

3. Action Point

Think through the following questions and share your answers with your student:

• Has God ever answered something specific that you’ve prayed about?
• Talk about a time when God came through for you?
• Talk about a time when you prayed for God to come through for you and it didn’t happen? How did that feel and what did you do?
• Take this opportunity to pray with your student about somewhere they feel like they need God to intervene in their lives.

Get connected to a wider community of parents at www.orangeparents.org.

Babel (Jan 6-20)

1. Be a Student of What They Are Learning
What does a tower in ancient times built to reach the heavens and a cell phone have in common? A lot more than you think! The people responsible for the tower of Babel, the uh Babel-ers we’ll call them, took the technology, the tools of their day and used them in a way that elevated themselves and took God out of the picture. And the reality is that you and I have tools in our hands, the technology of our day, that we take and use in similar ways. The technology itself isn’t bad or good. It’s neutral. But like the people of Babel, how we choose to use the technology is important—it reflects the kind of relationship we have with it. And the right kind of relationship with technology will help us to do the right kinds of things with it.

[Note to parents: We know that many of you have set up guidelines for your kids about how and when they can use different pieces of technology like Facebook, texting, etc. We want you to know that we will uphold those values in our messages. We want to partner with you in creating healthy boundaries and guidance for your students in how they use the technology around them. If you have any questions about how we will be presenting this material, please feel free to ask.]

2. Be a Student of Your Student
Most people know teenagers have technology issues. Here’s an interesting article that might help you understand your teenager—and how they really feel about technology and social media—a little bit better:

http://www.dougfields.com/posts/inforgraphic-teens-wired/

We all think our students have addictions and issues with their technological devices. But if you took away an adult’s connection with the outside world—their cell phone, Facebook or Twitter accounts, texting or computer—many of us would find it hard to function too. Technology is a part of all of our lives, not just a student’s. And it’s become such a big part, that many of us aren’t even conscious of how much we check that phone or FB—even in a place you might least expect it. Here’s an article from the Fuller Youth Institute to give us a little food for thought on this idea of technology, and how it affects all of us.

THE HAPPIEST PLACE TO TEXT
By Brad Griffin

Recently I spent a day at Disneyland with my family, riding rides and battling crowds at the “Happiest place on earth.” Despite my cynicism for over-commercialized places and my frustration about marketing to kids…we had a great day and my kids had a blast.

But there was one thing that distracted me over and over throughout the day. It wasn’t all the teenagers attached to their cell phones—I actually saw most of the teenagers engaged in real-life conversations with the people around them.

It was the parents.

I couldn’t help but notice how many parents of kids of all ages were getting off rides and immediately checking their email and text inbox, ripping back responses as they floated behind their kids to the next attraction. Maybe they were bored out of their minds to be spending the day with their kids, but I doubt it. Maybe they were just distracted at that ONE time at the point I happened to see them (and I happened to catch about a hundred of them at just the right time).

Or maybe they forgot what boundaries are and how to give their kids the gift of presence.

I get a lot of things wrong in parenting. But the more I saw this behavior, the more I was determined to completely ignore my phone (and it was my birthday!) to be present to my kids. I have to wonder, though: if this is what kids see at Disneyland from the adults around them (parents or otherwise), what are we as a culture showing them day after day in our “normal” lives?

I suspect that if we want them to put their phones down every now and then, we have to go first.

Originally published at http://fulleryouthinstitute.org. Reprinted with permission from the Fuller Youth Institute.

3. Action Point
In the above article, Brad Griffin talks about “going first” in the battle to create boundaries around the technology that is present in our everyday lives. It’s not that we have to delete our Facebook account or throw our iPhones out the window for dramatic effect. But we do have the opportunity to model good technology boundaries to our kids so they can start to think critically about the technology that surrounds them everyday, and how they choose to use it.

The XP for this series encourages your student to take a break from a particular technology or social media tool for one week. You may have heard the moaning and groaning already if your student has made the choice to participate. So, in the spirit of unity and empathy, we are encouraging you to do the same. For this action point, you are going to make a list of your top 5 favorite social media/technology tools (i.e., Facebook, Twitter, texting, cell phone, phone apps, etc.). Once you have your list, prioritize each of them from one to five (one being the most important/most used and five being the easiest to live without).

Now, here’s where it gets tricky. Just as your student has made a commitment to fast from a technology tool for one week, you are going to get rid of the number five on your list for the next week. (We will be challenging the students to "fast" from their decided technology during the week of Jan 6-12). We’ve tried to make it easier by giving you the option to get rid of your number five, but feel free to get serious and axe number one on your list. Sit down and show your student your list and then let them know which particular technology you are fasting from. In order to help you both stick to your fast, choose a reward—some sort of activity or special outing—that you and your student can look forward to once you both make it through the week without using your chosen technology. Encourage each other throughout the week and check in to see how things are going. At the end of the week—either during your reward outing or maybe during a mealtime or your morning drive to school—ask each other these questions:

1) Was this fast from technology easier or harder than you thought it would be?

2) What was the hardest part?

3) Were there any unexpected benefits that came from giving up this particular technology? If so, what were they?

4) Do you think you would be able to give up this particular technology long term? If not, could you use it on a more limited basis?

5) Name one way that you could use this particular technology to help others or to do something good for someone else.

Get connected to a wider community of parents at www.orangeparents.org.