Entourage (Mar 16-30)

We’re Teaching This: 
When we hear the word entourage, most of us think of celebrities walking the streets of Beverly Hills, barking orders at their “people”—people that work for them or just get paid to hang out with them. By definition, an entourage is a group of people attending or surrounding an important person. Even if we don’t feel important, most of us want at least a handful of people who like to hang around us—people who laugh at our jokes, go to the movies with us, and simply have our back. King David, his son Absalom, and his grandson Rehoboam were no different. As royals, each had an entourage and through their experiences we see that the choices we make with those around us can change everything.

Think About This:

A quick internet search reveals the worries many parents feel when it comes to their teen’s friends. “How to spot a bully”. “How to spot a bad influence”. “How to spot the wrong crowd”. There is plenty to worry about when it comes to your child’s friends. But what if you have more influence than you think? What if you were able to not only help your teen choose friends, but to directly influence the life choices those friends make?

More and more studies say you can.  

A study published in the archives of Pediatric and Adolescent Medicine suggests that teens with friends who have strict parents are less likely to binge drink and make other poor life choices. (Read the study here.)

Think about that. The students in this study were most influenced by their friends’ parents, not just their friends.  In fact, you probably don’t need a lot of research to know this. Have you ever heard someone say, “She is like a second mother to me”.  Probably so. Many of us grew up with at least one set of friend’s parents who influenced us. Part of maturing is beginning to listen to multiple voices, multiple adult influences. As parents we have an incredible opportunity to speak into our own children’s lives by using our influence to guide their friends.

Having influence on your child’s friends doesn’t mean you have to be the “cool one”. It doesn’t mean you have to host or allow parties, throw caution to the wind, and be their best buddy. It also doesn’t mean you have to legally adopt them or have them over every night of the week. Having influence can be as simple as taking one step toward including a friend in your normal family plans.

• Invite them in. Invite your teen’s friends to spend time at your house. You don’t have to do anything special or make a five star dinner. For a lot of students, the concept of a normal (even boring) family dinner is almost unimaginable. Simply being in a home with someone other than their own parents can offer students a different perspective on things like marriage, work, family, and decision-making. So don’t feel the need to put on a show or have the most fun house on the block. Just allow someone else to be a part of your family once in a while. You may have more impact than you think.


• Invest in them. Invest time and energy in your teen’s friends.  Talk with them, ask questions, and listen. Teens are often more likely to open up to other teens’ parents than their own. Do you know how to fix a car or bake a cake? Can you fish, play tennis, or scrapbook? Offer to show them!  Sometimes the best conversations take place while working on something else. Chances are they’ll appreciate the new skill and your own student is more likely to join in if their friends are involved.

Try This:

Everyone wants their teen to be wise and intentional when it comes to friends. And the best way to teach that skill is to model it. Think about the friends your teen already spends time around. How intentional are you about investing time in those people? Are you using your influence to help that person in any way?  Is there one teen you could invite to dinner, to hang out, or to be helpful?

Use the boxes below to help you figure out how you can be intentional with your teen’s friends.

Get connected to a wider community of parents at www.orangeparents.org.

Flipped (Feb 16-Mar 9)

We’re Teaching This:

Have you ever had a moment that made you stop and think, "Wow, this changes everything"? Maybe it was finding out you didn’t make the team or that your parents were splitting. Maybe it was finding out you're good at something or bad at something you didn't expect. In these moments our lives change direction quickly. The funny thing is nearly everyone who met Jesus had one of those moments. They came in with a plan, a direction, an identity. And as soon as they spent any time with Jesus, those ideas were turned upside down. And, as we look at four of these stories, we find that an encounter with Jesus has the power to flip our lives as well.

Think About This:

I think most people would agree that one of the more terrifying parts of parenting teenagers is the risk factor. They grow up and the stakes are raised. Their freedom increases but so does the potential fallout from bad choices. Parents are regularly faced with decisions on when to allow their students to forge their freedom and when not to. Unfortunately, we can tend to be overprotective in situations that they may not really need our protection from—and in the name of safety we may be inhibiting them in a way we never intended.

In his blog post, How to Help Your Kids, Live Out Their Story, author, speaker, and dad, Carey Nieuwhoff explains the benefits of letting go of control and trusting God with their story.

My grandfather and grandmother did something amazing. They let my dad live his story, not theirs. They gave up control, protection, and let God write a story in my dad’s life that was independent of their own.

My dad is one of my heroes. He actually did build a new life (in another country), not just for him, but for many others. He was not only a great father, but he ran a company for years, served his entire life in the local church and has left a great legacy of character for his kids and grandkids.

I’m so glad my grandparents swallowed hard and let their son pursue his vision. So, now the question.   

Would you?

In an era of overprotective, slightly controlling parenting, I wonder how many stories like my dad’s aren’t being written. Not because kids aren’t ready to write a story of their own choosing, but because parents are too afraid or unwilling to let them go or take risks.

Great plot lines invite things like drama, risk, mission, and calling. All the things that make parents gulp (and gasp).

And by the way, my dad did see his parents again. He eventually had enough money to go back more than a few times. I even went to Holland with my dad to meet them before they passed away.

As you think about how you might help your kids connect with their own story, here are three things to remember:

1.     Prepare yourself now to release them one day.

2.     Understand that God has your kids on a journey from dependence to independence.

3.     Let them lead (without rescuing them) today to prepare them for tomorrow.

Is there anything you need to let go of today to help create a better future for your child?

From How to Help Your Kids Live Out Their Story, http://orangeparents.org/author/careynieuwhof/

Try This

Sometimes the best two words you can hear are “me too”. No matter what situation you’re in with your teenager, chances are someone around you is in the same place and asking the same questions. Do you know who those people are? Are there other parents that you can connect with on a regular basis in your community?

This month try taking two steps toward connecting with other parents around you.

1. Find Them. If you’re not sure where to find other parents like you, start by asking the student pastor at your church (or where your teen attends). They can direct you to small groups or environments where you can meet other parents just like you.
   
   
2. Talk to them. Sometimes starting a conversation with someone new can feel awkward. If you’re unsure what to talk about, start with this parentCUE. Say something like, “Hey, did you get that article in the parentCUE? What did you think about it?”  Knowing you already have something in common can open the door to more conversation. If not that, try opening up first. Vulnerability breeds vulnerability. So think of some of things you may have a hard time with when it comes to your student’s independence. And then share it. You may be surprised at what someone shares with you in return.

Get connected to a wider community of parents at www.orangeparents.org.

Hide & Seek (Feb 2-9)

 

 

 

 

 

 

We’re Teaching This:

 

Remember the game Hide & Seek? Crouched in a corner? Trying to breathe without making noise? One person hides and another person seeks. That’s how it works. The truth is, it’s not all that different from our lives now. We may do it in different ways, but we are all trying to hide from things we don’t like. Things like pain, embarrassment and fear. We hide from things that hurt us. On the flip side, we’re all seeking certain things, too. We spend a lot of time and energy seeking acceptance, excitement, fun, and whatever will make us feel good. The hard truth is that we are rarely successful. What happens when our best efforts fail? When, no matter how hard we try, pain still gets in and happiness still gets away? Sometimes, part of growing up is deciding to stop playing the game.

Think About This:

8am: I hate my outfit.

4pm: Yes! School’s out!

5pm: I hate my life.

8pm: Best day ever!

Live with a teen long enough and you’ll start to see a pattern: up, down, good mood, bad mood, happy, sad. We’ve all heard about the emotional swings of adolescence and probably remember living through our own version of it. Any combination of homework, happenings, and hormones can turn them into a grouchy mess or a giggling goofball. Actually, research indicates that, during puberty, teen’s brains develop the ability to experience intense emotions like rage, sorrow, and elation. Unfortunately, neural connections that help students control and process these emotions don't develop until later.   (http://www.livescience.com/21461-teen-brain-adolescence-facts.html )

So pace yourself, because for at least a few years, you’ll have teens who have strong emotions but no tools to sort through them yet. The good news is, there are a few things you can do to help them navigate the ups and downs until your teenager figures out how to work through them on his/her own.

1. Be there for them, but don’t join in. As much as they hate to admit it, students will often take emotional cues from their parents. How you react to their situation will give them an idea of how they should react. So, as parents, we must be careful not to get sucked in to the meaningless drama of the lunch table or the contagious funk of teen angst. Empathize, but don’t participate. This doesn’t mean we have to hide our emotions or live like robots, but it does mean that we don’t hop on the emotional roller coaster with them every time it goes by.

2. Help them zoom out. Perspective is everything. Often with teens, when one thing is going badly they feel like everything in their life is falling apart. Or, if one thing is going well, they may focus on that and feel that nothing else matters. Either way, it us up to us to help them find perspective until their brains mature enough to sort out what is a big deal and what isn’t. This doesn’t mean we belittle their emotions. What they feel is very real to them, but we can help them gain some perspective by working to zoom out their lens and take in the bigger picture.  Ask them to tell you…

…one good thing that happened to them today.

…5 things they’re thankful for.

…2 things they’re looking forward to doing.

Focusing on what’s going well or what’s coming next can help them digest what’s happening now.

 

Try This

Sometimes the best thing we can do for our students is simply to let them know we’re praying for them. Here are two options to help you get started:

1. Choose one thing to pray for your student this week. Don’t make it behavior related, but rather something you want for them. And drop a sticky note in their lunch or backpack letting them know.  It can be as simple as, “Hey, I’m praying for you to have a great basketball practice this week” or “Hey, I’m praying for you to feel confident this week."
2. Ask your student how you can pray for them or their friends this week. And promise to do it. Since prayer requests are so personal, this is probably not the time to launch into a lesson or follow up questions. Simply let your student know that you love them and you’re praying for whatever is important to them.

 

Get connected to a wider community of parents at www.orangeparents.org.

Move (Jan 19-26)

 

 

 

 

 

 

1. We’re Teaching This

 

Movements are everywhere. “To write love on her arms”, “Tom’s Shoes”, “Livestrong”, “Habitat for Humanity”, and the “End-It Movement”—all of those and hundreds more were created during our lifetime. In fact, one of the traits that this generation is known for is being the most cause-driven, the most movement focused in history. So which movements do we join? How do we start? And how do we move and serve in a way that really matters? Even if we aren’t sure what we think about Jesus, we can learn something from Him about serving the community around us. By His example we learn to MOVE on behalf of others and KEEP MOVING to have a lasting impact.

2. Think About This

 

Have you ever had a conversation with your teenager that felt like a complete flop? Like your words bounced off a brick wall? You’re probably not alone. Most parents feel incredible pressure to have meaningful conversations with their students, and yet those conversations are met with resistance if not total refusal to engage. This is especially true when it comes to matters of faith—like attending church or serving others. When parents seem willing enough to talk, why is it that teens often feel so resistant to listening?

It may be all in the approach. Many teens feel like every parent-initiated conversation has an agenda. And let’s be honest, they may be right. During the teen years, as parents realize their time with their teen is limited, there is a sense of urgency surrounding all of the life lessons and important conversations that they feel they SHOULD have with their child before college. With the pressure mounting to work in all of these lessons, it is easy for parents to resort to talking at their student instead of talking with them.  While the intentions are good, if the majority of conversations center around a lesson, teens can end up feeling like they don’t measure up. Like their parents care more about “fixing them” or “setting them straight” than they do about connecting with them. Who wants to feel that way all the time?

This sort of dynamic can make conversations about faith even more tricky. It can set up students to feel inadequate and then tune out the parents. And tuned out parents feel equally inadequate and want to stop trying. What a mess!

Helping students live out their faith, helping them develop values and habits they will carry into adulthood is one of the most important parts of a parent’s job. So how do you teach those lessons without running the risk of being shut out? How do you have a conversation without having “a talk”? How do you begin to move forward in your relationship and not backwards?

Maybe the answer is actually to talk less. Remember when they were little and they wanted to play baseball like dad or dress up like mom? Remember how they imitated the way that you talk (maybe a little too much)? While teens don’t make it as obvious, they still take cues about what is important by watching their parents. What you prioritize, what you organize your schedule and budget around will communicate loudly what you believe is important-without ever having to tell them.

So maybe instead of talking about the importance of spending money wisely, you invite them to help you figure out the family budget this month. Maybe instead of working “church” into the conversation, you simply trust that your example, that your commitment, is sending the message. Maybe instead of talking about the importance of serving others, it’s just something you do together.

When you lead with your actions, it takes a lot of pressure off the conversation. And the more conversations you have, without a lesson attached, the more your teen will trust that you like them, as a person. The more they will believe that you think they’re a good person. It might even open the door to more meaningful conversation—because now you’re talking with them and not at them.

3. Try This

 

Developing a habit of serving, or moving on behalf of others as a family, can seem daunting when family schedules and budgets are already stretched to the max. But serving doesn’t mean that you have to volunteer at a soup kitchen every week or build a well in Africa on your own. Simply meeting one person’s need is a big step and will go a long way in helping your teenager develop an awareness for the needs around him or her.

Choose one elderly neighbor or single mom in your community and invite your student to help you decide on ONE THING you can do for that person. Something as simple as making them dinner and bringing it over could make their day. And every member of the family can be involved. Invite your student to help you decide on the menu, buy the groceries, prepare and deliver the meal.

Serving somewhere every week or every month may not be a possibility for your family, but simply developing an awareness of the needs around you and moving on behalf of one person can help students develop the habit of caring for the world around them.

Get connected to a wider community of parents at www.orangeparents.org.