Game On (Sept 22-Oct 13)

 

 

 

 

Hey Parents!

1. We’re Teaching This

In any kind of competition or event, the winning is almost always connected to the amount of preparation. The practice and the skill building may not seem necessary in the moment, but when it’s Game On, those skills are what take us all the way. Daniel was a young Jewish boy who encountered his “Game On” moment over and over. Ultimately it was the preparation of his faith skills that helped him through the most difficult of moments.

2. Think About This by Crystal Chiang

Your student experiences so many influences each day. They receive messages from you—their parents, teachers, other students, media, ministry leaders, coaches and a variety of other sources. Do you ever wonder what is getting in? Whose voice do they hear the loudest and who has the most impact on their actions?

Despite all of the noise in their lives, studies show that students largely develop their ideas about God at home. Believe it or not, they are still listening to you, and not just when you’re talking about spiritual things. They are listening intently when you talk to them AND when they hear you talk to other adults about money, relationships, faith, culture, and life choices.

As a teacher in a public high school, I often engaged students in conversations that sound like this:

Student: The RIGHT way of doing (money, politics, marriage, etc.) is _________.

Me: Why?

Student: Because it’s RIGHT.

Me: Why?

And eventually we would end up at the same place. Because that’s how their parents do it or say it should be done.  Nearly 100% of the time students expressed “their” opinions in what was clearly their parents’ language.

Students take their cues on how to live from their parents more often than anywhere else. This is particularly true when it comes to our faith. The spoken or unspoken posture that we take toward Scripture, prayer, service, and worship will ultimately be the model our students use as how things “should be done”.

So how can you leverage your influence as a parent without resorting to lecturing or re-preaching each Sunday’s sermon?

1. Partner with the student ministry that your teenager attends. Just because the sign out front says “students” doesn’t mean that you are unwelcome. In fact, both the church and the home are more effective when they choose to work on the same thing at the same time. Connect with your child’s small group leader, be proactive in determining what they are learning and how you can engage your student in conversation about that topic at home.
2. Be transparent about your own faith. Talking with your teenager about faith doesn’t mean that you have to have a perfect message prepared at all times. It also doesn’t mean you need to have all of the answers. It’s okay to be transparent with them about how and when you pray as well as what happens when you don’t receive an answer right away. If you spend time reading Scripture, do so in a place where they might see you or ask him/her what he/she thinks a certain passage means.
3. Ask your teen what he or she is learning. Silence doesn’t always mean inactivity. Students process spiritual information in different ways. Just because your teenage daughter doesn’t volunteer to tell you what she’s learning at church doesn’t mean she simply goes to see her friends. Often students simply do not know how to begin the conversation with their parents about spiritual matters. Simply opening the door can allow you to speak valuable words into their life. And remember, anytime you frame a question for your teenager, be willing to answer the question yourself. Your transparency opens the door to more transparency from them.

 

3. Try This

Here is an open-ended conversation starter to encourage dialogue between you and your child about faith. These can be asked at dinner, in the car, or anywhere that conversation flows easily. Remember to model the way by answering the question first and then asking your student.

• Week 1:  What do you appreciate about God?
• Week 2:  Where have you noticed God’s activity around you?
• Week 3:  How can we make God a bigger priority in our family? (This is a great time to make a commitment as a family. You can choose to pray together or at the same time each day, read scripture, or read a devotional together. )
• Week 4:  How can God use our family?

Get connected to a wider community of parents at www.orangeparents.org.

The Fighter (Sept 1-15)

1. We’re Teaching This

All families fight. It’s inevitable. We fight to be heard. We fight to get what we want. We fight for things to be fair. And oftentimes, the fighting leaves us in worse shape than before we started. But what if fighting didn’t have to be such a bad thing? What if fighting could leave us better than when we started? Maybe, instead of fighting for everything we want, we change our focus. What if we fought for the relationship with our parents and our siblings instead of against them? If that is the case, maybe a good fight is just what we need!

2. Think About This

“It’s not you, it’s me.” It’s a classic break-up line. But it may also be a helpful line when it comes to navigating conflict with your student. Except, it’s just the opposite. “It’s not me, it’s you.” Not that you should say that to your teenager, but when it comes to working through the emotional landmines students seem to live in, this can be helpful to keep in mind: You aren’t crazy.

In an article from Psychology Today, Dr. Terri Apter writes, “The real task of adolescence, and the real cause of turbulence, is the teen's own uncertainty about who he is, alongside his eager need to establish a sense of identity.” It’s the reason things always feel on edge. For students, much is on the line. They know they are changing and growing, but they aren’t quite sure what, or who, they are becoming. It is a classic identity crisis. And as they are trying so hard to figure themselves out, parents become targets; innocent bystanders, feeling helpless in their position.

Apter continues, “Teens get so heated in arguments with parents because so much is at stake: they are fighting to change their relationship with a parent, to make a parent see that they are not the child the parent thinks she knows…teens expect the parent to appreciate who they have become, even before they know.”

In other words, your teenagers are desperate for a sense of individuality and self—desperate for you as their parent to recognize it, value it and understand it. They need you to lead the way in their quest for distinctiveness and feel the support and encouragement coming from you. They may not have the words for it, their actions may communicate otherwise, but at the root of this stage of development is the desire to be foundationally supported by the ones they often end up isolating.

As much as they try to push you away, exclude you or simply ignore you, by definition of your role, you are in it. With them. And if done right, you could have the chance to fight for them, and not simply against them. Don’t give up on them. Though the conflict doesn’t feel fair. The frustration doesn’t feel legitimate. The annoyance doesn’t feel justifiable. Don’t start treating interactions with your student as something to “win.” Instead, work at winning the relationship. Come from a place of understanding—instead of frustration. Come from a place of grace—instead of being defensive. Come from a place of readiness to help—even if met with little to no appreciation.

Instead of making this a fight, see this as a journey—done together. This may be a season of conflict. But your willingness to be present in it, to stick through it, to fight for it is, in and of itself, a win. Don’t give up on them now. Keep at it, and you may be surprised, encouraged and maybe even a bit amazed at who your teenager finds themselves to be.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/domestic-intelligence/200901/teens-and-parents-in-conflict

3. Try This

• Your teenager is well on their way to being an adult. Their communication skills are not. Be patient.
• Make the goal in fighting to resolve the fight—not just be right.
• Don’t escalate the drama. Refrain from the urge to pay back in kind their hurtful comments and emotional reactions.
• Address one issue at a time. Don’t let one argument become a venting session for all the ways you feel they have been disrespecting you. Remember, you want to resolve the issue, not keep score.
• Don’t forget, it won’t be like this forever. Hang in there!

http://middleearthnj.wordpress.com/2012/06/04/how-to-fight-fair-with-your-teen/

http://howtoparentateen.wordpress.com/2012/01/28/teenager-arguing-with-parents/

Get connected to a wider community of parents at www.orangeparents.org