.JPG)
1.
We’re Teaching This
All
families fight. It’s inevitable. We fight to be heard. We fight to get what we
want. We fight for things to be fair. And oftentimes, the fighting leaves us in
worse shape than before we started. But what if fighting didn’t have to be such
a bad thing? What if fighting could leave us better than when we started?
Maybe, instead of fighting for everything we
want, we change our focus. What if we fought
for the relationship with our parents and our siblings instead of against
them? If that is the case, maybe a good fight is just what we need!
2.
Think About This
“It’s
not you, it’s me.” It’s a classic break-up line. But it may also be a helpful
line when it comes to navigating conflict with your student. Except, it’s just
the opposite. “It’s not me, it’s you.”
Not that you should say that to your teenager, but when it comes to working
through the emotional landmines students seem to live in, this can be helpful
to keep in mind: You aren’t crazy.
In
an article from Psychology Today, Dr. Terri Apter writes, “The real task of adolescence, and the real cause of turbulence, is the
teen's own uncertainty about who he is,
alongside his eager need to establish a sense of identity.” It’s the reason things always feel on
edge. For students, much is on the line. They
know they are changing and growing, but they aren’t quite sure what, or who,
they are becoming. It is a classic identity crisis. And as they are trying
so hard to figure themselves out, parents become targets; innocent bystanders,
feeling helpless in their position.
Apter
continues, “Teens get so heated in
arguments with parents because so much is at stake: they are fighting to change
their relationship with a parent, to make a parent see that they are not the
child the parent thinks she knows…teens
expect the parent to appreciate who they have become, even before they know.”
In
other words, your teenagers are desperate for a sense of individuality and
self—desperate for you as their parent to recognize it, value it and understand
it. They need you to lead the way in their quest for distinctiveness and feel
the support and encouragement coming from you. They may not have the words for
it, their actions may communicate otherwise, but at the root of this stage of development is the desire to be
foundationally supported by the ones they often end up isolating.
As
much as they try to push you away, exclude you or simply ignore you, by
definition of your role, you are in it. With
them. And if done right, you could have
the chance to fight for them, and not simply against them. Don’t give up on
them. Though the conflict doesn’t feel fair. The frustration doesn’t feel
legitimate. The annoyance doesn’t feel justifiable. Don’t start treating
interactions with your student as something to “win.” Instead, work at winning the relationship. Come
from a place of understanding—instead of frustration. Come from a place of
grace—instead of being defensive. Come from a place of readiness to help—even
if met with little to no appreciation.
Instead
of making this a fight, see this as a journey—done together. This may be a season of conflict. But your
willingness to be present in it, to stick through it, to fight for it is, in
and of itself, a win. Don’t give up on them now. Keep at it, and you may be
surprised, encouraged and maybe even a bit amazed at who your teenager finds
themselves to be.
3.
Try This
- Your teenager is well on their way to being an adult. Their communication skills are not. Be patient.
- Make the goal in fighting to resolve the fight—not just be right.
- Don’t escalate the drama. Refrain from the urge to pay back in kind their hurtful comments and emotional reactions.
- Address one issue at a time. Don’t let one argument become a venting session for all the ways you feel they have been disrespecting you. Remember, you want to resolve the issue, not keep score.
- Don’t forget, it won’t be like this forever. Hang in there!
Get connected to a wider community of
parents at www.orangeparents.org
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment