The Fighter (Sept 1-15)

1. We’re Teaching This

All families fight. It’s inevitable. We fight to be heard. We fight to get what we want. We fight for things to be fair. And oftentimes, the fighting leaves us in worse shape than before we started. But what if fighting didn’t have to be such a bad thing? What if fighting could leave us better than when we started? Maybe, instead of fighting for everything we want, we change our focus. What if we fought for the relationship with our parents and our siblings instead of against them? If that is the case, maybe a good fight is just what we need!

2. Think About This

“It’s not you, it’s me.” It’s a classic break-up line. But it may also be a helpful line when it comes to navigating conflict with your student. Except, it’s just the opposite. “It’s not me, it’s you.” Not that you should say that to your teenager, but when it comes to working through the emotional landmines students seem to live in, this can be helpful to keep in mind: You aren’t crazy.

In an article from Psychology Today, Dr. Terri Apter writes, “The real task of adolescence, and the real cause of turbulence, is the teen's own uncertainty about who he is, alongside his eager need to establish a sense of identity.” It’s the reason things always feel on edge. For students, much is on the line. They know they are changing and growing, but they aren’t quite sure what, or who, they are becoming. It is a classic identity crisis. And as they are trying so hard to figure themselves out, parents become targets; innocent bystanders, feeling helpless in their position.

Apter continues, “Teens get so heated in arguments with parents because so much is at stake: they are fighting to change their relationship with a parent, to make a parent see that they are not the child the parent thinks she knows…teens expect the parent to appreciate who they have become, even before they know.”

In other words, your teenagers are desperate for a sense of individuality and self—desperate for you as their parent to recognize it, value it and understand it. They need you to lead the way in their quest for distinctiveness and feel the support and encouragement coming from you. They may not have the words for it, their actions may communicate otherwise, but at the root of this stage of development is the desire to be foundationally supported by the ones they often end up isolating.

As much as they try to push you away, exclude you or simply ignore you, by definition of your role, you are in it. With them. And if done right, you could have the chance to fight for them, and not simply against them. Don’t give up on them. Though the conflict doesn’t feel fair. The frustration doesn’t feel legitimate. The annoyance doesn’t feel justifiable. Don’t start treating interactions with your student as something to “win.” Instead, work at winning the relationship. Come from a place of understanding—instead of frustration. Come from a place of grace—instead of being defensive. Come from a place of readiness to help—even if met with little to no appreciation.

Instead of making this a fight, see this as a journey—done together. This may be a season of conflict. But your willingness to be present in it, to stick through it, to fight for it is, in and of itself, a win. Don’t give up on them now. Keep at it, and you may be surprised, encouraged and maybe even a bit amazed at who your teenager finds themselves to be.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/domestic-intelligence/200901/teens-and-parents-in-conflict

3. Try This

• Your teenager is well on their way to being an adult. Their communication skills are not. Be patient.
• Make the goal in fighting to resolve the fight—not just be right.
• Don’t escalate the drama. Refrain from the urge to pay back in kind their hurtful comments and emotional reactions.
• Address one issue at a time. Don’t let one argument become a venting session for all the ways you feel they have been disrespecting you. Remember, you want to resolve the issue, not keep score.
• Don’t forget, it won’t be like this forever. Hang in there!

http://middleearthnj.wordpress.com/2012/06/04/how-to-fight-fair-with-your-teen/

http://howtoparentateen.wordpress.com/2012/01/28/teenager-arguing-with-parents/

Get connected to a wider community of parents at www.orangeparents.org

Road Signs (Aug 4-25)

1. We’re Teaching This

If you set your course in the wrong direction, you’ll end up in the wrong place every time. No matter where you hope to end up, the road you choose matters. The book of Proverbs gives us wisdom to help navigate the choices of life, because we know that each choice determines the direction of our lives. And it’s our direction, not our intention that ultimately determines our destination. Where are you heading? What path are you on?

2. Think About This

It’s easy—in the midst of the busy-ness and craziness of life—to get off course. It’s easy to forget goals we’ve set and ideas we once had of who we want to be and just keep trucking along, ticking things off our lists and getting the next “thing” done. It’s the tyranny of the urgent and it often keeps us stuck in the immediacy of the moment.

This can be true for our families as well, can’t it? We start off with young children, thinking about all of the goals we have—the values and virtues we want to instill and model for our children. And then, life happens and things just start going too fast. And suddenly, we see road signs—we see warnings—telling us that maybe, somewhere along the line, we’ve gotten off course. It’s the moment we realize that though we intended to head in one direction, our choices of what to do with our time, money, words and actions take us in a different direction.

It’s totally normal. It’s a place most people with children—of any age—often find themselves. And it’s a place we don’t have to stay in.

To remedy it, it may be that the best thing to do is to take a step back and look around. Look back at the things we had once hoped for our families. And then, look forward towards the steps we can take to get to where we ultimately want to go. Make a plan. Take a moment to pause and refocus—to do a little course-correction. A small pause and a little action can go a long way.

3. Try This

Pick Two: Two Words, Two Rules, Two Answers

Get your family together to try the following:

Two Words

Together, pick two words/phrases that you would like to describe your family. Feel free to come up with some of your own as well:

• fun
• connected
• generous
• healthy
• less busy
• good communicators
• patient
• open to other people/families
• servants
• good stewards

Two Rules

There are two rules for when your family does this activity.

1)  Don’t call anyone out. This is not a chance to dish, bash or point figures. It’s a chance to move forward.

2)  There are no perfect answers. Just start brainstorming and go from there!

Two Answers

1)  What is the first step you need to take to make each of the words/phrases you chose above a reality for your family?

2)  What kind of mile markers and guardrails/boundaries can you set up as a family to make sure you stay on course for the long haul?

Get connected to a wider community of parents at www.orangeparents.org.

Labyrinth (July 14-28)

1. Be a Student of What They are Learning

Not everyone has it together when it comes to knowing what God wants for their lives. But sometimes it certainly feels like everyone else does—and we don’t. And when your student feels that way, it can make them feel pretty left out and uncertain about their relationship with God and where their life is going. But what if hearing from God isn’t about exclusivity—who’s in and who’s out—but rather inclusivity, meaning that everyone gets to play in the game of God’s plan? When it comes to those not-so-easy life decisions, God has given us a very clear-cut grid based on His love for us, our love for Him and our love for others. So, knowing God’s will is less about signs and more about knowing the narrative of His great story and how we fit into it. God’s great love for you student is the most important factor in discovering His will for their life. So, when they wonder why they can’t seem to connect with God, we can encourage them that God does speak to them and wants them to be encouraged by His purpose for their lives.

2. Be a Student of Your Student

Do you remember when you left home? What it felt like the first time you paid your own bills, got your own gas and made your own dentist appointment? Do you remember what it felt like when the realization came that you were finally on your own? You were an adult, for better or for worse. For a lot of us, this feeling came when we packed our bags and headed off to college. Or, maybe it was when we graduated from college. Maybe for some of us, it was after we spent a few months at home following college graduation before we got our feet on the ground. But, for the most part, when we look back and try to recall the journey into adulthood, most of our journeys look the same. We packed our bags and we headed out.

Maybe you've noticed that things don't look that way anymore. And if you have noticed that, there is a reason. Adulthood for students today is taking a lot longer to reach than it once did. In fact, recent studies show that adulthood isn't reached until teenagers are in their mid to late twenties. Not eighteen, not college graduation, but years beyond. And there are many reasons why.

Historically, adolescents went through something called “stage development.” This meant that a student went through a progression of stages until they finally reached adulthood—until they were completely independent and self-sufficient. And, this was considered healthy, normal adolescent development. The problem is that these developmental stages don’t recognize what’s going on with kids today. Let’s take a look back. In the United States in 1900, the average age of puberty for young women and men was 14.5 years of age and at the age of 16, one was considered to be an “adult.” Now, let’s fast-forward a century to 2005. The average age of puberty drops to 11.7 but the mid to late twenties are now the new adulthood. The ever-expanding gap between early physical maturity and late emotional/developmental maturity can be very difficult for our students to navigate.

So, with this research, it is fair to say that there is an extension of adolescence. Our kids brains are taking longer to mature and develop, so their ability to take on the responsibility that adulthood requires isn't just something they are neglecting to do well, but something they can't necessarily do well for several more years. This means that the finish line we have for our kids—the one that says out of the house by eighteen and financially independent by graduation—may need to change. So what does this mean for parents of mid-to-late adolescents? How can we help our kids reach adulthood equipped with what they need to be successful?

We may need to see our job as parents as one that extends farther than it did for our parents when we were in our kid's shoes. We may need to open our doors back up after college while we work with them as they ease into the reality of the real world. We need to be their advocate. We need to be on their team. We need to be a partner to help them become the most confident and capable adults they can be—even it takes longer than we think it should. We need to be willing to move the finish line and allow our students the time they need to become the mature, well-rounded adults we know God is shaping them to be.

3. Action Point

It can be hard for many of us to think of resetting the finish line for our students and extending it past the commonly accepted milestone of high school graduation. Yet, today’s students are developmentally in a very different place than most of us were at the age of 18. For this Parent Cue, you are going to set aside some time to sit down with your student and help them set some spiritual, educational, personal and any other specific goals that they would like to see themselves reach at the age of 25. As you begin to set these goals, ask yourself the following question: How can I begin to help my student along the path of attaining these goals?

As well, as you and your student begin to dialog about these future goals, ask them what practical things would they like you to do to help them on their journey towards adulthood?

Remember, this exercise is not about your goals for your student, but rather their own goals for themselves. Be sure to listen to what their hopes and dreams are. If their goal is to have traveled the world by 25 instead of received their Master’s degree, be sure to encourage that dream while providing them with the wisdom you have gained from your own life experiences.

As well, as you help your student set his or her goals and as you begin to dialogue about how you can help, keep in mind that while this is an exercise in partnership, this is not meant to be an area that you take ownership over. Encourage healthy responsibility while recognizing your student’s need for extended support so that they have the best chance to become a spiritually healthy, emotionally well-rounded adult.

Get connected to a wider community of parents at www.orangeparents.org.

Reflection (May 19-26)

Here is an overview of what we’re talking about. Listed below the summary is a “parent cue” to help you dialog with your child about the session. The question is intended not just to be asked by you, but to be responded to by BOTH of you. Use this opportunity to find out what God is teaching your child, and allow your child to see what God is teaching you as well.

REFLECTION: Series Overview

What do you see when you look in the mirror? Many of us see what we’re not instead of who we actually are, don’t we? We see someone who burned dinner or spilled juice on the carpet. Someone who lost her car keys—again. Someone who is not the right height or weight. Someone plagued with could-have-beens and if-onlys. These disappointments and imperfections are why we want to cover up who we really are. We want to make sure that the world around us sees only the version of us that we want them to see. But the Bible tells us we are children of God—loved and treasured exactly as we are. Over the next two weeks, we are going to challenge your child to take a look at him or herself and dare to be real.

Session One: Masks (May 19)

The first week we are going to set up the series by talking about the masks that we all wear. Most of us know we can’t be perfect at everything, but we do have certain areas where we want to appear like we are. We want to be desirable and valued. We want to feel we are worth something. But in order to get those things, we feel the need to cover up who we really are. This week we will encourage your child to begin to allow others to see him or her for who they really are. We want your child to be free from hiding behind masks.

Session One Parent Cue:

-What are some masks you hide behind?

-Why do you hide?

Session Two: Uncovered (May 26)

Practice makes perfect. How many times have you heard that? How many times have you said it? Just like it takes practice to be a skilled musician or softball player, it takes practice to be content with the real you. This week we will share with your child just a little bit about what our heavenly Father thinks about him or her. We want to encourage your child to practice seeing who God sees when he or she looks in the mirror. Because when we learn to see ourselves as God sees us, we can be free to live without the mask and be who we truly are.

Session Two Parent Cue: 

-How does God see me?

-Why do you think this is hard to believe?

-How can we help each other see ourselves how God sees us? 

FOR PARENTS ONLY:

Here in the U.S., we celebrate a day for mothers, a day for fathers and a day for grandparents. But we never have a celebration for the whole family. But that’s not true elsewhere.

Family Day is actually the name of a public holiday set aside to celebrate families. One of the places Family Day is celebrated is in the Canadian provinces of Alberta, Ontario and Saskatchewan. Below are the comments of a Canadian pastor and father of two teenage boys (ages 12 and 16), as he reflected on his Family Day celebration. As you read his words, think about your own family. How could you begin to establish some family celebration into your daily routine this month?

Family Day... Every Day

by Carey Nieuwhof

We celebrated our first family day in Ontario today... a celebration, our premier says, of family, because families need more time together. Good idea.

We're at the stage in our family where racking up the mileage on the car is not hard—hockey rules, and right now we're all over the place in playoffs. Between hockey and work, there's not a lot of time left. But because time is the key to relationship, and relationship is the key to life in Christ, we have to think creatively about how we as a family can leverage the time we have.

To me, as the kids get older, the key is not just praying together or reading the Bible together (that's important and necessary), but the key is opening a dialogue about faith and life that runs through life. That can be a lot trickier. Personally, I find conversations about God and life happen best in the flow of everyday life.

Here's what we do to try to track together at this stage in life (my boys are 16 and 12):

• We eat dinner together almost every night.

• We serve together on Sundays.

• We listen to music together. We let the kids drive the playlist because whatever they choose sure beats four people living together with four iPods running four separate soundtracks.

• I let my 16-year-old drive wherever he's legally allowed because it gives us time together.

• I'm reading through the book of Daniel with Sam (age 12).

• We play board games, watch movies and read in the same space.

• I'm trying not to stay at work too late or let work come home with me too often.

• We try to take several shorter vacations together each year.

This may all sound like pretty normal, unimaginative stuff, but the key to relationship is time. What things do you do with your family? What helps you keep communication with your child wide open?

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Get connected to a wider community of parents at www.orangeparents.org.