Game On (Sept 22-Oct 13)

 

 

 

 

Hey Parents!

1. We’re Teaching This

In any kind of competition or event, the winning is almost always connected to the amount of preparation. The practice and the skill building may not seem necessary in the moment, but when it’s Game On, those skills are what take us all the way. Daniel was a young Jewish boy who encountered his “Game On” moment over and over. Ultimately it was the preparation of his faith skills that helped him through the most difficult of moments.

2. Think About This by Crystal Chiang

Your student experiences so many influences each day. They receive messages from you—their parents, teachers, other students, media, ministry leaders, coaches and a variety of other sources. Do you ever wonder what is getting in? Whose voice do they hear the loudest and who has the most impact on their actions?

Despite all of the noise in their lives, studies show that students largely develop their ideas about God at home. Believe it or not, they are still listening to you, and not just when you’re talking about spiritual things. They are listening intently when you talk to them AND when they hear you talk to other adults about money, relationships, faith, culture, and life choices.

As a teacher in a public high school, I often engaged students in conversations that sound like this:

Student: The RIGHT way of doing (money, politics, marriage, etc.) is _________.

Me: Why?

Student: Because it’s RIGHT.

Me: Why?

And eventually we would end up at the same place. Because that’s how their parents do it or say it should be done.  Nearly 100% of the time students expressed “their” opinions in what was clearly their parents’ language.

Students take their cues on how to live from their parents more often than anywhere else. This is particularly true when it comes to our faith. The spoken or unspoken posture that we take toward Scripture, prayer, service, and worship will ultimately be the model our students use as how things “should be done”.

So how can you leverage your influence as a parent without resorting to lecturing or re-preaching each Sunday’s sermon?

1. Partner with the student ministry that your teenager attends. Just because the sign out front says “students” doesn’t mean that you are unwelcome. In fact, both the church and the home are more effective when they choose to work on the same thing at the same time. Connect with your child’s small group leader, be proactive in determining what they are learning and how you can engage your student in conversation about that topic at home.
2. Be transparent about your own faith. Talking with your teenager about faith doesn’t mean that you have to have a perfect message prepared at all times. It also doesn’t mean you need to have all of the answers. It’s okay to be transparent with them about how and when you pray as well as what happens when you don’t receive an answer right away. If you spend time reading Scripture, do so in a place where they might see you or ask him/her what he/she thinks a certain passage means.
3. Ask your teen what he or she is learning. Silence doesn’t always mean inactivity. Students process spiritual information in different ways. Just because your teenage daughter doesn’t volunteer to tell you what she’s learning at church doesn’t mean she simply goes to see her friends. Often students simply do not know how to begin the conversation with their parents about spiritual matters. Simply opening the door can allow you to speak valuable words into their life. And remember, anytime you frame a question for your teenager, be willing to answer the question yourself. Your transparency opens the door to more transparency from them.

 

3. Try This

Here is an open-ended conversation starter to encourage dialogue between you and your child about faith. These can be asked at dinner, in the car, or anywhere that conversation flows easily. Remember to model the way by answering the question first and then asking your student.

• Week 1:  What do you appreciate about God?
• Week 2:  Where have you noticed God’s activity around you?
• Week 3:  How can we make God a bigger priority in our family? (This is a great time to make a commitment as a family. You can choose to pray together or at the same time each day, read scripture, or read a devotional together. )
• Week 4:  How can God use our family?

Get connected to a wider community of parents at www.orangeparents.org.

The Fighter (Sept 1-15)

1. We’re Teaching This

All families fight. It’s inevitable. We fight to be heard. We fight to get what we want. We fight for things to be fair. And oftentimes, the fighting leaves us in worse shape than before we started. But what if fighting didn’t have to be such a bad thing? What if fighting could leave us better than when we started? Maybe, instead of fighting for everything we want, we change our focus. What if we fought for the relationship with our parents and our siblings instead of against them? If that is the case, maybe a good fight is just what we need!

2. Think About This

“It’s not you, it’s me.” It’s a classic break-up line. But it may also be a helpful line when it comes to navigating conflict with your student. Except, it’s just the opposite. “It’s not me, it’s you.” Not that you should say that to your teenager, but when it comes to working through the emotional landmines students seem to live in, this can be helpful to keep in mind: You aren’t crazy.

In an article from Psychology Today, Dr. Terri Apter writes, “The real task of adolescence, and the real cause of turbulence, is the teen's own uncertainty about who he is, alongside his eager need to establish a sense of identity.” It’s the reason things always feel on edge. For students, much is on the line. They know they are changing and growing, but they aren’t quite sure what, or who, they are becoming. It is a classic identity crisis. And as they are trying so hard to figure themselves out, parents become targets; innocent bystanders, feeling helpless in their position.

Apter continues, “Teens get so heated in arguments with parents because so much is at stake: they are fighting to change their relationship with a parent, to make a parent see that they are not the child the parent thinks she knows…teens expect the parent to appreciate who they have become, even before they know.”

In other words, your teenagers are desperate for a sense of individuality and self—desperate for you as their parent to recognize it, value it and understand it. They need you to lead the way in their quest for distinctiveness and feel the support and encouragement coming from you. They may not have the words for it, their actions may communicate otherwise, but at the root of this stage of development is the desire to be foundationally supported by the ones they often end up isolating.

As much as they try to push you away, exclude you or simply ignore you, by definition of your role, you are in it. With them. And if done right, you could have the chance to fight for them, and not simply against them. Don’t give up on them. Though the conflict doesn’t feel fair. The frustration doesn’t feel legitimate. The annoyance doesn’t feel justifiable. Don’t start treating interactions with your student as something to “win.” Instead, work at winning the relationship. Come from a place of understanding—instead of frustration. Come from a place of grace—instead of being defensive. Come from a place of readiness to help—even if met with little to no appreciation.

Instead of making this a fight, see this as a journey—done together. This may be a season of conflict. But your willingness to be present in it, to stick through it, to fight for it is, in and of itself, a win. Don’t give up on them now. Keep at it, and you may be surprised, encouraged and maybe even a bit amazed at who your teenager finds themselves to be.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/domestic-intelligence/200901/teens-and-parents-in-conflict

3. Try This

• Your teenager is well on their way to being an adult. Their communication skills are not. Be patient.
• Make the goal in fighting to resolve the fight—not just be right.
• Don’t escalate the drama. Refrain from the urge to pay back in kind their hurtful comments and emotional reactions.
• Address one issue at a time. Don’t let one argument become a venting session for all the ways you feel they have been disrespecting you. Remember, you want to resolve the issue, not keep score.
• Don’t forget, it won’t be like this forever. Hang in there!

http://middleearthnj.wordpress.com/2012/06/04/how-to-fight-fair-with-your-teen/

http://howtoparentateen.wordpress.com/2012/01/28/teenager-arguing-with-parents/

Get connected to a wider community of parents at www.orangeparents.org

Road Signs (Aug 4-25)

1. We’re Teaching This

If you set your course in the wrong direction, you’ll end up in the wrong place every time. No matter where you hope to end up, the road you choose matters. The book of Proverbs gives us wisdom to help navigate the choices of life, because we know that each choice determines the direction of our lives. And it’s our direction, not our intention that ultimately determines our destination. Where are you heading? What path are you on?

2. Think About This

It’s easy—in the midst of the busy-ness and craziness of life—to get off course. It’s easy to forget goals we’ve set and ideas we once had of who we want to be and just keep trucking along, ticking things off our lists and getting the next “thing” done. It’s the tyranny of the urgent and it often keeps us stuck in the immediacy of the moment.

This can be true for our families as well, can’t it? We start off with young children, thinking about all of the goals we have—the values and virtues we want to instill and model for our children. And then, life happens and things just start going too fast. And suddenly, we see road signs—we see warnings—telling us that maybe, somewhere along the line, we’ve gotten off course. It’s the moment we realize that though we intended to head in one direction, our choices of what to do with our time, money, words and actions take us in a different direction.

It’s totally normal. It’s a place most people with children—of any age—often find themselves. And it’s a place we don’t have to stay in.

To remedy it, it may be that the best thing to do is to take a step back and look around. Look back at the things we had once hoped for our families. And then, look forward towards the steps we can take to get to where we ultimately want to go. Make a plan. Take a moment to pause and refocus—to do a little course-correction. A small pause and a little action can go a long way.

3. Try This

Pick Two: Two Words, Two Rules, Two Answers

Get your family together to try the following:

Two Words

Together, pick two words/phrases that you would like to describe your family. Feel free to come up with some of your own as well:

• fun
• connected
• generous
• healthy
• less busy
• good communicators
• patient
• open to other people/families
• servants
• good stewards

Two Rules

There are two rules for when your family does this activity.

1)  Don’t call anyone out. This is not a chance to dish, bash or point figures. It’s a chance to move forward.

2)  There are no perfect answers. Just start brainstorming and go from there!

Two Answers

1)  What is the first step you need to take to make each of the words/phrases you chose above a reality for your family?

2)  What kind of mile markers and guardrails/boundaries can you set up as a family to make sure you stay on course for the long haul?

Get connected to a wider community of parents at www.orangeparents.org.

Labyrinth (July 14-28)

1. Be a Student of What They are Learning

Not everyone has it together when it comes to knowing what God wants for their lives. But sometimes it certainly feels like everyone else does—and we don’t. And when your student feels that way, it can make them feel pretty left out and uncertain about their relationship with God and where their life is going. But what if hearing from God isn’t about exclusivity—who’s in and who’s out—but rather inclusivity, meaning that everyone gets to play in the game of God’s plan? When it comes to those not-so-easy life decisions, God has given us a very clear-cut grid based on His love for us, our love for Him and our love for others. So, knowing God’s will is less about signs and more about knowing the narrative of His great story and how we fit into it. God’s great love for you student is the most important factor in discovering His will for their life. So, when they wonder why they can’t seem to connect with God, we can encourage them that God does speak to them and wants them to be encouraged by His purpose for their lives.

2. Be a Student of Your Student

Do you remember when you left home? What it felt like the first time you paid your own bills, got your own gas and made your own dentist appointment? Do you remember what it felt like when the realization came that you were finally on your own? You were an adult, for better or for worse. For a lot of us, this feeling came when we packed our bags and headed off to college. Or, maybe it was when we graduated from college. Maybe for some of us, it was after we spent a few months at home following college graduation before we got our feet on the ground. But, for the most part, when we look back and try to recall the journey into adulthood, most of our journeys look the same. We packed our bags and we headed out.

Maybe you've noticed that things don't look that way anymore. And if you have noticed that, there is a reason. Adulthood for students today is taking a lot longer to reach than it once did. In fact, recent studies show that adulthood isn't reached until teenagers are in their mid to late twenties. Not eighteen, not college graduation, but years beyond. And there are many reasons why.

Historically, adolescents went through something called “stage development.” This meant that a student went through a progression of stages until they finally reached adulthood—until they were completely independent and self-sufficient. And, this was considered healthy, normal adolescent development. The problem is that these developmental stages don’t recognize what’s going on with kids today. Let’s take a look back. In the United States in 1900, the average age of puberty for young women and men was 14.5 years of age and at the age of 16, one was considered to be an “adult.” Now, let’s fast-forward a century to 2005. The average age of puberty drops to 11.7 but the mid to late twenties are now the new adulthood. The ever-expanding gap between early physical maturity and late emotional/developmental maturity can be very difficult for our students to navigate.

So, with this research, it is fair to say that there is an extension of adolescence. Our kids brains are taking longer to mature and develop, so their ability to take on the responsibility that adulthood requires isn't just something they are neglecting to do well, but something they can't necessarily do well for several more years. This means that the finish line we have for our kids—the one that says out of the house by eighteen and financially independent by graduation—may need to change. So what does this mean for parents of mid-to-late adolescents? How can we help our kids reach adulthood equipped with what they need to be successful?

We may need to see our job as parents as one that extends farther than it did for our parents when we were in our kid's shoes. We may need to open our doors back up after college while we work with them as they ease into the reality of the real world. We need to be their advocate. We need to be on their team. We need to be a partner to help them become the most confident and capable adults they can be—even it takes longer than we think it should. We need to be willing to move the finish line and allow our students the time they need to become the mature, well-rounded adults we know God is shaping them to be.

3. Action Point

It can be hard for many of us to think of resetting the finish line for our students and extending it past the commonly accepted milestone of high school graduation. Yet, today’s students are developmentally in a very different place than most of us were at the age of 18. For this Parent Cue, you are going to set aside some time to sit down with your student and help them set some spiritual, educational, personal and any other specific goals that they would like to see themselves reach at the age of 25. As you begin to set these goals, ask yourself the following question: How can I begin to help my student along the path of attaining these goals?

As well, as you and your student begin to dialog about these future goals, ask them what practical things would they like you to do to help them on their journey towards adulthood?

Remember, this exercise is not about your goals for your student, but rather their own goals for themselves. Be sure to listen to what their hopes and dreams are. If their goal is to have traveled the world by 25 instead of received their Master’s degree, be sure to encourage that dream while providing them with the wisdom you have gained from your own life experiences.

As well, as you help your student set his or her goals and as you begin to dialogue about how you can help, keep in mind that while this is an exercise in partnership, this is not meant to be an area that you take ownership over. Encourage healthy responsibility while recognizing your student’s need for extended support so that they have the best chance to become a spiritually healthy, emotionally well-rounded adult.

Get connected to a wider community of parents at www.orangeparents.org.