Ten (Nov 3-Dec 1)

1. We’re Teaching this.

Thirty-five hundred years ago Moses came down from Mt. Sinai with a short list of rules that has shaped the values of people and nations for centuries. We know them as the Ten Commandments, but do we really know them? Many people believe that the rules are a condition for a relationship with God, things we must do to get in His good graces. That is the opposite of the truth! The relationship came before the rules. And the commandments were meant to not only reveal God’s heart, but to keep His people free.

2. Think About This

From Losing Your Marbles / Playing for Keeps by Reggie Joiner, Kristen Ivy, & Elizabeth Hansen

Most of you aren’t planning to pack up a duffle bag, walk out the door, and never turn around. But there are times, for many of us, when we (unintentionally) disengage emotionally.

There will come a time in every kid’s life when things get messy. Maybe they get sick. Maybe they become sad or hurt emotionally. Maybe they suffer a natural consequence to a decision they made. These aren’t 
the kind of circumstances you create, and you certainly can’t change them—even though you might want to. But how you respond in these critical moments will forever impact your relationship. And it will affect the way they respond to and interpret their situations.

It’s interesting when you read the Bible and watch how God interacted with the Israelites in the Old Testament. He showed up. He gave them rules. And then they broke the rules, over and over and over again.

Maybe rules were made knowing they would be broken.
 It’s not that rules weren’t made to be followed. I’m sure if we all followed every rule, there would be less anger, pain, and violence. When a rule is broken, it creates a unique opportunity to prove love.

In other words, you have an opportunity as a parent or as a leader
to show up in the life of a kid or teenager to give them rules that will help keep them safe physically and emotionally. But when they break a rule (and at some point they will), and you show up anyway, you communicate unconditional love.

That’s what God did. He gave the rules.
 We broke them. 
He showed up anyway.

It doesn’t mean that there won’t be consequences. It doesn’t mean that there’s no place for correction or instruction. Of course, we want to help kids and teenagers learn from their experiences and make wise choices in the future. But it does mean that you should never punish them relationally. Regardless of what they’ve done, you still have the opportunity to show up to prove…

• You aren’t going anywhere. 

• They still matter.
• You will see them through the mess.

3. Try This

Mistakes are both healthy and inevitable. So how do we respond in a way that reinforces boundaries without risking the relationship?

• Decide in advance how you will respond. In tough moments, with emotions running high, it is so tempting to respond with words or actions that you may later regret. Have a family plan for what happens when rules are broken.
• Keep the relationship first. If we model permanent, life-long, nothing-you-can-do-will-keep-me-from-loving-you relationships, they will learn to do the same.
• Stick to the consequences.  Consequences are healthy. One of the best things you can do for your student is plan, implement, and stick with consequences.  When they apologize or we sense remorse, it is so tempting to say, “Oh alright, no consequences this time”, but remember that they are learning a principle that they will apply to more than one situation.
• Communicate the plan. An easy way to confirm that students understand expectations is have them repeat them back to you in the form of an “if/then” statement. For example: “If I get all A’s, then I will be allowed to have a sleepover.” “If I text after 10pm, then I will lose my phone for 1 week.”

Get connected to a wider community of parents at www.orangeparents.org.

Post It (Oct 20-27)

1. We’re Teaching This

Let's be honest. We've all been guilty of painting a less-than-honest picture of ourselves or others through social media. But the Bible reminds us that what we say—whether on-line or in person—matters. How we talk about others, and ourselves, is important. And it all starts with what's inside our hearts. So where do you need to rethink what you say on-line? What things are you dealing with inside that need to stop showing up on your newsfeed? What do you need to do to become the person you want to be—not just the person you want everyone to think you are? 

 

2. Think About This

I remember when my family got our first VCR machine. I was in elementary school and this “new technology” seemed so cool. You could just pop in a video–remember those—and watch any movie you wanted to without having to actually go to the movies. It was the beginning of the home theatre.

 

Just the other night, my kids and I wanted to watch a movie and I was reminded of how much this experience has changed. As we scrolled through the hundreds of movie titles on our Netflix feed, I found myself frustrated that we couldn’t find what we wanted to watch. Would I actually have to go look at Hulu or Amazon to find the movie we wanted? Then, once we found what we wanted, I put in my password and a message came up telling me that I would have to wait a few minutes for my movie to load and if it didn’t, to call Amazon directly. I started to get a little bit frustrated, until I looked over at my daughter who was REALLY frustrated. And I paused. This isn’t that big of a deal. I used to have to drive to Blockbuster, spend 30 minutes walking around the store looking for a movie, stand in line to pay and drive back home all before we could even put the movie in.

 

It’s funny how nowadays, everything is at our fingertips and yet we are less satisfied and less patient. You wake up in the morning and turn on the television. Instantly, you have all the latest news right in front of you from around the world. You’re driving in your car and you hear a song that you really like. You grab your phone, type in a few lyrics and find out who the artist is, along with the album, song and entire discography. We don’t have to wait for anything these days. We live in a world where we can have what we want almost immediately. And sometimes this availability in the world of technology and media gets transferred to other areas of our lives. Even areas that are meant to take more time and be a bit difficult, like relationships with other people and with God; even our own relationship with ourselves. But sometimes, the waiting process—delaying the gratification of something we want, of a result we want to see–is a really healthy and good thing. Because the old adage “good things are worth waiting for” is true. Waiting for something—going through a process—can make us appreciate the whole experience more. And if we aren’t careful, our relationship with technology and the expectation of immediacy it fosters will rob us of the ability to exercise the wonderful discipline of delayed gratification.

 

Maybe there’s some merit to this idea of waiting on something and even waiting for something. Maybe by waiting a bit—waiting to check our cell phones, Facebook feeds, Twitter feeds, email, text messages, you name it—we will begin to move at a faster pace with the most important things: our relationships. Maybe we can learn to slow down a bit. Breathe a bit. Look around a bit. And ultimately, enjoy the beautiful relationships and experiences that come with waiting and resting.

 

3. Try This

Choose one night and get everyone in your family off the grid. That means a full media blackout for everyone in your household for 6-9 hours. No Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Vine … no Internet at all. In fact, get really serious and have a designated and out-of-reach spot for everyone to put their phones—and iPads, tablets … you name it—and instead, spend that time in face-to-face, quality family time. You could go out for a family night or a have a media-free zone at home and have a meal and after-dinner game night together. Here are some fun dinner table questions to get your night rolling.

 

• If you could have picked your own name, what would it be?
• If you had to eat the same meal every night for dinner, what would you eat?
• Which of your friends do you think I/we like the most? Why?
• What is the earliest memory you have of our family?
• What would you do if you were invisible for a day?
• Would you rather be: A professional athlete, an actor/actress or a singer? Why?
• What punishment have I/we given you that you thought was really unfair? Why?
• What fast food restaurant could you eat at for an entire day—breakfast, lunch and dinner?

 

Get connected to a wider community of parents at www.orangeparents.org.

 

Game On (Sept 22-Oct 13)

 

 

 

 

Hey Parents!

1. We’re Teaching This

In any kind of competition or event, the winning is almost always connected to the amount of preparation. The practice and the skill building may not seem necessary in the moment, but when it’s Game On, those skills are what take us all the way. Daniel was a young Jewish boy who encountered his “Game On” moment over and over. Ultimately it was the preparation of his faith skills that helped him through the most difficult of moments.

2. Think About This by Crystal Chiang

Your student experiences so many influences each day. They receive messages from you—their parents, teachers, other students, media, ministry leaders, coaches and a variety of other sources. Do you ever wonder what is getting in? Whose voice do they hear the loudest and who has the most impact on their actions?

Despite all of the noise in their lives, studies show that students largely develop their ideas about God at home. Believe it or not, they are still listening to you, and not just when you’re talking about spiritual things. They are listening intently when you talk to them AND when they hear you talk to other adults about money, relationships, faith, culture, and life choices.

As a teacher in a public high school, I often engaged students in conversations that sound like this:

Student: The RIGHT way of doing (money, politics, marriage, etc.) is _________.

Me: Why?

Student: Because it’s RIGHT.

Me: Why?

And eventually we would end up at the same place. Because that’s how their parents do it or say it should be done.  Nearly 100% of the time students expressed “their” opinions in what was clearly their parents’ language.

Students take their cues on how to live from their parents more often than anywhere else. This is particularly true when it comes to our faith. The spoken or unspoken posture that we take toward Scripture, prayer, service, and worship will ultimately be the model our students use as how things “should be done”.

So how can you leverage your influence as a parent without resorting to lecturing or re-preaching each Sunday’s sermon?

1. Partner with the student ministry that your teenager attends. Just because the sign out front says “students” doesn’t mean that you are unwelcome. In fact, both the church and the home are more effective when they choose to work on the same thing at the same time. Connect with your child’s small group leader, be proactive in determining what they are learning and how you can engage your student in conversation about that topic at home.
2. Be transparent about your own faith. Talking with your teenager about faith doesn’t mean that you have to have a perfect message prepared at all times. It also doesn’t mean you need to have all of the answers. It’s okay to be transparent with them about how and when you pray as well as what happens when you don’t receive an answer right away. If you spend time reading Scripture, do so in a place where they might see you or ask him/her what he/she thinks a certain passage means.
3. Ask your teen what he or she is learning. Silence doesn’t always mean inactivity. Students process spiritual information in different ways. Just because your teenage daughter doesn’t volunteer to tell you what she’s learning at church doesn’t mean she simply goes to see her friends. Often students simply do not know how to begin the conversation with their parents about spiritual matters. Simply opening the door can allow you to speak valuable words into their life. And remember, anytime you frame a question for your teenager, be willing to answer the question yourself. Your transparency opens the door to more transparency from them.

 

3. Try This

Here is an open-ended conversation starter to encourage dialogue between you and your child about faith. These can be asked at dinner, in the car, or anywhere that conversation flows easily. Remember to model the way by answering the question first and then asking your student.

• Week 1:  What do you appreciate about God?
• Week 2:  Where have you noticed God’s activity around you?
• Week 3:  How can we make God a bigger priority in our family? (This is a great time to make a commitment as a family. You can choose to pray together or at the same time each day, read scripture, or read a devotional together. )
• Week 4:  How can God use our family?

Get connected to a wider community of parents at www.orangeparents.org.

The Fighter (Sept 1-15)

1. We’re Teaching This

All families fight. It’s inevitable. We fight to be heard. We fight to get what we want. We fight for things to be fair. And oftentimes, the fighting leaves us in worse shape than before we started. But what if fighting didn’t have to be such a bad thing? What if fighting could leave us better than when we started? Maybe, instead of fighting for everything we want, we change our focus. What if we fought for the relationship with our parents and our siblings instead of against them? If that is the case, maybe a good fight is just what we need!

2. Think About This

“It’s not you, it’s me.” It’s a classic break-up line. But it may also be a helpful line when it comes to navigating conflict with your student. Except, it’s just the opposite. “It’s not me, it’s you.” Not that you should say that to your teenager, but when it comes to working through the emotional landmines students seem to live in, this can be helpful to keep in mind: You aren’t crazy.

In an article from Psychology Today, Dr. Terri Apter writes, “The real task of adolescence, and the real cause of turbulence, is the teen's own uncertainty about who he is, alongside his eager need to establish a sense of identity.” It’s the reason things always feel on edge. For students, much is on the line. They know they are changing and growing, but they aren’t quite sure what, or who, they are becoming. It is a classic identity crisis. And as they are trying so hard to figure themselves out, parents become targets; innocent bystanders, feeling helpless in their position.

Apter continues, “Teens get so heated in arguments with parents because so much is at stake: they are fighting to change their relationship with a parent, to make a parent see that they are not the child the parent thinks she knows…teens expect the parent to appreciate who they have become, even before they know.”

In other words, your teenagers are desperate for a sense of individuality and self—desperate for you as their parent to recognize it, value it and understand it. They need you to lead the way in their quest for distinctiveness and feel the support and encouragement coming from you. They may not have the words for it, their actions may communicate otherwise, but at the root of this stage of development is the desire to be foundationally supported by the ones they often end up isolating.

As much as they try to push you away, exclude you or simply ignore you, by definition of your role, you are in it. With them. And if done right, you could have the chance to fight for them, and not simply against them. Don’t give up on them. Though the conflict doesn’t feel fair. The frustration doesn’t feel legitimate. The annoyance doesn’t feel justifiable. Don’t start treating interactions with your student as something to “win.” Instead, work at winning the relationship. Come from a place of understanding—instead of frustration. Come from a place of grace—instead of being defensive. Come from a place of readiness to help—even if met with little to no appreciation.

Instead of making this a fight, see this as a journey—done together. This may be a season of conflict. But your willingness to be present in it, to stick through it, to fight for it is, in and of itself, a win. Don’t give up on them now. Keep at it, and you may be surprised, encouraged and maybe even a bit amazed at who your teenager finds themselves to be.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/domestic-intelligence/200901/teens-and-parents-in-conflict

3. Try This

• Your teenager is well on their way to being an adult. Their communication skills are not. Be patient.
• Make the goal in fighting to resolve the fight—not just be right.
• Don’t escalate the drama. Refrain from the urge to pay back in kind their hurtful comments and emotional reactions.
• Address one issue at a time. Don’t let one argument become a venting session for all the ways you feel they have been disrespecting you. Remember, you want to resolve the issue, not keep score.
• Don’t forget, it won’t be like this forever. Hang in there!

http://middleearthnj.wordpress.com/2012/06/04/how-to-fight-fair-with-your-teen/

http://howtoparentateen.wordpress.com/2012/01/28/teenager-arguing-with-parents/

Get connected to a wider community of parents at www.orangeparents.org