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We’re
Teaching This:
On
a scale of one to ten, how do you measure up? Are you tall enough? Pretty
enough? Smart enough? Funny enough? And on that scale, which number represents enough? Do you have to score a ten or
will a solid seven do? How about a five? It’s better than average, right? Most
of us measure how we’re doing by how everyone else is doing. Not a day goes by that we’re not tempted to glance to our
left and to our right to see how we measure up to the people around us. This is
especially true at school. We see everyone else’s grades, clothes, athletic
ability, talent, and popularity. And it’s easy to feel like we don’t measure
up. So we adjust course, try harder,
spend more, and then compare again. It's exhausting. In this 3-part series,
Andy Stanley explores the difficult—but not impossible—challenge of escaping The
Comparison Trap.
Think
About This:
Parenting
is hard. We probably knew going in that it wouldn’t always be a walk in the
park. But, as a parent, have you noticed there are some curve balls that you
just don’t know how to handle?
Chances
are, you knew your kids were going to be different from one another. But it’s
also likely you had no idea just how
different they could be until you started raising them—until they hit a certain
age and suddenly what you assumed would be true of one of your kids because it
was true of an older one—just isn’t. Sometimes it feels like you have to learn
how to parent all over again with each child. And sometimes not just with each
child, but through each life-stage your children experience.
We
may not do it on purpose, but there is a tendency to compare that comes so
naturally and so easily. We bring attention to the ways our students are
different from their siblings, their friends, our friends, and even earlier
versions of themselves. It’s so tempting to say, “But why can’t you just be
like______?” The problem is, comparison rarely works. It doesn’t make students
want to try harder and it can often lead to resentment toward the parents and
the sibling with whom they’re compared. Even within the family, there is no win
in comparison.
Sameness
isn’t even really a goal worth shooting for. Maybe there are traits in one of
your children that you’d like the others to take on. That’s great, but you
probably don’t want them to be exact replicas. A better goal is to be
intentional in learning, studying, and celebrating the personality and wiring
of each individual child.
Try
This:
No
one wants to feel like they don’t measure up. Especially not in the place where
they want to feel the safest and most secure. Work on making your family and
your home the place where who your child is celebrated and not compared.
This
week, point out something in your
teenager that you appreciate. Find something that you have seen grow and
develop in them that is a strength and then tell them how proud of them you
are.
Then
find something that, at first glance, feels like something you would
change—that you would compare to someone else and wish away. And then find a
way to leverage it. To see the good in it. For example,
- “I know I’m often on your case about talking too much in class, but I want you to know that I also love how social you are. You are great at managing a lot of friendships.”
- “I know that I get upset when you fight with your younger brother, but I also recognize that you’re just trying to get him to act in a way that is more socially acceptable. Thanks for wanting to help him.”
- “Yesterday we had an argument about playing guitar instead of cleaning your room. While I still want you to have a clean room, I’m also really proud of you for working so hard to learn to play the guitar well.”
Finding
a way to celebrate something you had vocally been frustrated over in the past will
mean more than you can imagine to your student. Don’t underestimate the value of
your affirmation.
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