The Making of a King (June 28-July 26)

We’re Teaching This:

Every good story has a hero. Think about it.  Superman. Luke Skywalker. Katniss Everdeen. They aren’t just random characters. They’re larger than life. Maybe they’re not perfect, but they’re exciting and they’re brave. And that’s what keeps us interested. That’s why we cheer for them. Believe it or not, the Bible is full of heroes like that. They don’t have capes and lightsabers, but they are heroes who fought giants, built arks, became spies, defeated armies, and saved the day over and over. One of the most famous ones is named David—or maybe you know him as King David. Like many others, David’s life was exciting, epic even. And at first glance it can feel like we have zero in common with him. Even on our most exciting days our lives don’t exactly feel heroic. But as we take a closer look at the journey of this shepherd boy turned king, we see it wasn’t always a royal fairy tale. In fact, as we discover the twists and turns of his road to the throne, his life begins to look more like ours than we ever imagined.

Think About This:

Remember when you were a kid and you couldn’t wait to grow up? There were probably a lot of reasons, but many of them boiled down to one idea: When I grown up, I’ll be in charge. No one can tell me what to do. It was a nice idea, but that’s not exactly our adult reality, is it? In fact, sometimes it feels like growing up has left us answering to more people, not less. And what’s worse is when not all of these authority figures are exactly ideal for the job. Maybe you’ve experienced…

• The police officer who is out of line.
• The governor you totally disagree with.
• The boss who seems clueless.
• The homeowners’ association president/tyrant.
• The in-laws who think they’re in charge 

Nothing is more frustrating. And in moments like that it can be tempting to employ our go-to response. Maybe you tend to lash out, argue, or respond with harsh sarcasm. Or maybe for you it’s more tempting to ignore them or sneak around their rules. Either way, when it comes to a clash with authority, there is often more on the line than we realize.  Overwhelmingly, research suggests that our teenagers’ behavior is more influenced by what they see us do than what they hear us say is best.

In his article, I Spy Daddy Giving Someone The Finger: Your kids will imitate you. Use it as a force for good, Dr. Allen Kazdin, former president of the American Psychological Association, says, “Brain research has demonstrated that there are special cells called mirror neurons. When we watch someone do something, our mirror neurons become active in the brain as if we ourselves were engaging in the same behavior we are observing.” (http://www.slate.com/articles/life/family/2009/01/i_spy_daddy_giving_someone_the_finger.html)

In other words, when watching our behavior, our students’ brains react and grow new connections that tell them to do the same. That’s why, even with the most difficult and undeserving authority figures, it may still serve us well to treat them with respect. In doing so, our students’ brains will form connections that remind them to do the same.

This week, pay attention to your interactions with your boss, coworkers, government workers, and even your own parents or in-laws. Now, imagine what you would say if you overheard your teenager responding to people in charge the same way you do. Because, if the research is true, there’s a good chance that one day they will.

Try This
There will always be people in charge who frustrate us. That’s true for our students as well. In fact, sometimes we are the ones who frustrate them. So, modeling respect for authority is a huge deal. But that doesn’t mean we have to be stoic. This week, try mentioning to your student one situation where you are frustrated by authority and how you’re dealing with it. Say something like…

• Sometimes it’s hard not to give my boss a piece of my mind. He can be really offensive, but I won’t let his rude tone force me to act the same way.
• I really disagree with the politicians who are in charge right now. Some of their policies make no sense to me. I’ll respect their office, but I’ll vote differently next time.
• It’s really hard for me to be nice to grandma when she acts like she’s in charge. I know I’m grown and I don’t have to listen to her, but I’m still doing my best to treat her well because she is my mother.  

When we acknowledge our own struggles, it gives us credibility with our students. They see that we are still fighting for relationships even when it isn’t easy. And that may just be what gives them the courage to do the same.

Out of Focus (Apr 26-May 3)

We’re Teaching This:

There’s something awesome about a 3D movie. It takes the whole movie experience to a new level. But have you ever taken the glasses off in the middle of the movie just to see what it looks like? If so, you know seeing things through the wrong lens can ruin the whole movie. The action gets blurred. Nothing is clear, and pretty quickly you can end up confused and with a headache. Sometimes reading the Bible can feel like watching a 3D movie without the glasses. There’s a lot going on. Sometimes it’s confusing. Sometimes it’s hard to know what to focus on. To make matters worse, lots of people seem to have different opinions about what the Bible says and what it means. But that doesn’t mean our only option is to walk away confused. Just like a 3D movie, sometimes all it takes is a different lens, a new perspective, to bring the most important things into focus.

Think About This:

Every family has a belief system. Even if your family isn’t particularly religious, chances are there are certain things that you believe about the world and certain values that you want to pass on to your children. It’s natural. And, as our students develop into adults, it’s normal for them to think about, question, and maybe even try on other beliefs they may have been exposed to outside our home. If it hasn’t happened already, there will probably come a day when your student makes a statement or asks a question that feels like it flies in the face of all you’ve taught them. And while it’s unsettling and uncomfortable for us, it isn’t necessarily a bad thing. In fact, questioning can be good. It means they’re growing.

At moments like these, it’s important to remember that, just as our students’ bodies and minds are developing, their faith and beliefs are developing too. They may go through stages or seasons of faith that look different, but that doesn’t mean it is where they will ultimately land.

One way we can help our students navigate this tricky time is to be authentic about our own faith journey. Religious or not, we all have questions and doubts we wrestle with from time to time. We all have moments that leave us feeling a little confused or unsettled about our beliefs. And the same things that have helped us through those times may be helpful for our students as well.

Maybe it’s been a while since you really wrestled with a tough question about life or maybe you weren’t sure what to do with it. That’s okay. Here are four strategies you may find helpful when you don’t have all the answers. 

• Call a friend. Sometimes it’s helpful to talk through concerns with someone who is wiser, older, or simply a good listener. 
• Investigate. Maybe next time you encounter tough questions, it’s time to go in search of answers, committing some time to research. 
• Trust what you know. When answers are hard to come by, we can still trust the things we already know to be true. For example, I’m not the only person to ever think this way or feel this way or I believe that God is good. So, even though this situation doesn’t seem good, I can trust that He is. 
• Keep walking. Sometimes the hardest and most helpful thing to do in the face of tough doubts or questions is to simply keep going. Don’t get stuck. Keep serving. Keep loving people, and trust God to help you figure out the tough stuff over time.

Try This
One of the toughest growing pains for a students’ faith is when they encounter questions that don’t seem to have answers, when what they believe doesn’t seem to line up with new information they’ve encountered. 

Next time you sense your student is struggling with what they believe (even if they don’t say so), try casually mentioning a belief of your own that you’ve wrestled with and share how you responded. Maybe even mention one of the strategies listed above. Doing so may give your student both the courage and the tools to find answers and begin to grow in their own faith.

Once Upon A Time (Mar 8-29)

 

We’re Teaching This:

Everyone loves a good story. Even if you hate reading, you probably don’t mind movies, TV shows, or a great musical.  There is just something about a story, a good story that we can’t resist. When we were little, all the great ones started with “Once upon a time”. They were tales of heroes and villains, evil queens, noble princes, and fairy godmothers.   And while the characters in our favorite stories look different now, not much else has changed. We still love to see the good guy win, the bad guy lose, and the couple live happily ever after. Maybe it’s because, no matter how old you are, great stories have the power to pull you in and make you feel like you’re a part of them. Jesus knew that and He often told stories, called parables, that worked the same way.  His stories may not have involved princesses or evil villains, but as we take a look at four of these famous parables we may just find that the characters look more familiar than we could have ever imagined. 

 

Think About This:

What was your teenager’s favorite story when he or she was little? And how many times did you read that story to them? A hundred? A thousand? Sometimes as parents of older children, we are tempted to look back nostalgically at storytime and think, those were the days, assuming they’re long-gone. But in the book, Losing Your Marbles: Playing for Keeps, Reggie Joiner explains that the power of stories, especially stories over time, may make storytelling a practice that is too important to abandon.

 

Experts have analyzed, theorized, and evangelized about the power of story. Everyone seems to agree. It’s as if our minds are hardwired to engage in the way information fits together in the context of
a narrative. One specialist in this area puts it this way: If you ever need a little more proof that God exists, consider the magical,
mystical,
imaginative, compelling way
kids, teenagers—and everyone else for that matter—connect to stories. It seems obvious that God created your imagination; then created stories to ignite it. Have you ever considered that without imagination, you can’t . . .

see past what you already know?
care how someone else feels?
hope beyond your present situation?

… That’s what the gift of imagination and story does for a child or teenager.
 It enables them to think their way into other people’s lives.
It compels them to feel the sentiments of other people’s emotions. It invites them to venture into other people’s places.

Maybe that’s why research actually indicates the more stories you read to a child over time, the greater their empathy. Because stories have the potential to make you feel what someone else feels. Stories can collectively work to build a child’s emotional,
relational,
and moral intelligence.

Think about what happens when a child imagines . . .
fighting Smaug, the dragon, with Bilbo on the Lonely mountain, joining Annemarie in the Danish Resistance during WWII, 
traveling with Lucy through a mysterious wardrobe into a frozen land.

They see more. They care more. They hope more.

Try This

A good story doesn’t have to be found in a children’s book. This week, try enjoying a story that your student is already interested in by going to…

 

See a movie together.

 

It doesn’t have to be a spiritual or “family” movie. It doesn’t have to have a G-rating. It doesn’t even have to have some great moral to the story. Just see a movie your student is interested in and then, on the ride home or while enjoying a snack after the show, ask them one question:

 

Which character in the movie do you identify with most?

 

Really listen to the answer. Don’t correct them if you disagree. Just use this as a time to learn about your student and enjoy hearing where they think they fit in the story.

 

Get connected to a wider community of parents at www.orangeparents.org.

Chaos (Feb 15-Mar 1)

We’re Teaching This:

When was the last time you felt totally out of control? Maybe it was when your car hydroplaned, just for a second. Or maybe your plans got changed at the last minute leaving you with nothing to do. Or maybe a friend or family member’s behavior left you shaking your head. We all have moments like that—moments that leave us feeling tense, anxious, and wondering how we’re supposed to handle it all. The problem is, sometimes those out-of-control moments end up becoming a regular part of our lives. Whether it is with the stress and uncertainty of our future, the pressure that comes with our relationships with others or even the anxiety of where we are with God, chaos can start to feel like it’s everywhere. It’s no surprise that God never intended for our lives to be defined by stress. Thankfully He doesn’t tell us to handle it on our own, either. He invites us to bring our worries and anxiety to Him. And when do, we find that He doesn’t just remove the chaos from our lives. He replaces it with something better—peace.

 

Think About This:

Do you think your teen is more stressed than you were at his or her age? According to CNN’s Kelly Wallace, most parents would say, “Absolutely”. In her article, SOS for Stressed Out Teens on CNN.com (http://www.cnn.com/2013/12/05/living/teen-stress-overscheduled-parents/), Wallace suggests that, along with heightened academic stakes and overscheduled lifestyles, social media may add to the expectations that leave teens feeling stressed.

Today's teens, unlike when I was growing up, can now compare their academic performance and everything else about their existence to other teens 24 hours a day through updates on Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat, you name the social network, and that only increases the stress.

 

"Back in the day, we got a break from our peers after school and on the weekends, but now kids are on social media all day long," said Linda Esposito, a licensed clinical social worker and psychotherapist in Los Angeles and host of a blog on psychotherapy called Talk Therapy Biz.

 

Social media and the constant connectedness of technology has no doubt changed the game for our students and added to the stress they experience. And, there’s no reason to believe that the constant “ping” of notifications is going to slow down anytime soon. So, as parents, it’s more important than ever that we help our students learn to cope when they feel anxiety. A few ways to make sure this happens?

Model healthy behavior. As parents become more proficient with technology, more of our own anxiety come from being connected to work 24/7. If you catch yourself being “mentally elsewhere” while spending time with the family, intentionally turn your device off and let your student know why you’re doing it.

Take breaks from technology. There’s something about the buzz of a new notification that feels urgent even when it isn’t. As a family, try taking breaks from technology. It doesn’t have to be for long periods of time, but just an hour of real “connectedness” to each other can help manage stress levels and reset students’ anxiety.  

Try This

Sometimes the best tool for managing stress is to take a time out. 

 

Try having a disconnected dinner with your family.

 

Once a week, at the beginning of dinner, have everyone drop their mobile devices in a basket, including the parents. It’s a symbolic way of saying to your student, “This time is important. And I’m all here”.

 

 

Get connected to a wider community of parents at www.orangeparents.org.

Judgment Call (Jan 25-Feb 8)

 

 

 

 

 

 

We’re Teaching This:

When was the last time you had to make a tough call? Was it when deciding what to eat for lunch? To drink Coke or Pepsi? Go to the gym or skip it? The truth is, we make judgment calls all day long, from what we watch on TV or who we hang out with to more complicated decisions like whether to attend a party or stick with a tough friendship. And, in every decision, we’re forced to ask the question, “Which option is better?” The problem is, our natural tendency to judge leaks into places it shouldn’t—like our relationships. We start thinking of people as options and deciding which ones are better or worse. Many of us are even tempted to make those judgments about ourselves. Unfortunately, most of the time, we make decisions about people without all the facts. We don’t know someone’s whole story, their whole situation, or their whole potential. We miss the big picture.  Maybe that’s why, in the Bible, God makes it super clear: Judgment is His call. Not ours.    

 

Think About This:

A quick internet search reveals the worries many parents feel when it comes to their teen’s friends. “How to spot a bully”. “How to spot a bad influence”. “How to spot the wrong crowd”. There is plenty to worry about when it comes to your student’s friends. And while we all want our students to show good judgment when it comes to friends, our tendency as parents may be to judge too quickly. One friend has too low of a GPA. Another has too many extracurricular activities. One talks too much and another is too quiet. It’s hard to know which qualities our students should accept in their friends and which ones should put that friend on the proverbial no-fly list.

 

But what if, as parents, we spent less time figuring out who our students should be friends with and more time figuring out how to influence the friends they’ve already chosen? What if you were able to not only help your teen choose friends, but to directly influence the life choices those friends make?

 

More and more studies say you can.

 

A study published in the archives of Pediatric and Adolescent Medicine suggests that teens with friends who have strict parents are less likely to binge drink and make other poor life choices (http://fowler.ucsd.edu/parental_influence_on_substance_use.pdf ).

 

Think about that. The students in this study were most influenced by their friends’ parents, not just their friends.  In fact, you probably don’t need a lot of research to know this. Have you ever heard someone say, “She is like a second mother to me”?  Probably so. Many of us grew up with at least one set of friend’s parents who influenced us. Part of maturing is beginning to listen to multiple voices, multiple adult influences. As parents we have an incredible opportunity to speak into our own children’s lives by using our influence to guide their friends.

 

When it comes to friends, influence > judgment. Having influence on your child’s friends doesn’t mean you have to be the “cool one”. It doesn’t mean you have to host or allow parties, throw caution to the wind, and be their best buddy. It also doesn’t mean you have to legally adopt them or have them over every night of the week. Having influence can be as simple as taking one step toward including a friend in your normal family plans.

 

Invite them in. Invite your teen’s friends to spend time at your house. You don’t have to do anything special or make a five star dinner. For a lot of students, the concept of a normal (even boring) family dinner is almost unimaginable. Simply being in a home with someone other than their own parents can offer students a different perspective on things like marriage, work, family, and decision-making. So don’t feel the need to put on a show or have the most fun house on the block. Just allow someone else to be a part of your family once in a while. You may have more impact than you think.

Try This
Everyone wants their teen to be an accepting and friendly person. And one of the best ways to teach that skill is to model it. Think about the friends your teen already spends time around. How intentional are you about investing time in those people? Are you using your influence to help that person in any way?

This week, try investing time in one of your teen’s closest friends.

Invite them to come hang out for dinner or be part of a family outing. While you’re together, ask questions about their family and their interests. It’s not a time to give advice—just get to know them and show you care. In doing so, you may be taking the first step toward more influence in the life of your own student.

 

Get connected to a wider community of parents at www.orangeparents.org.

Obsessed (Jan 4-18)

 

 

 

 

 

We’re Teaching This:

What are you obsessed with right now? Is it your favorite television show? A certain fashion trend? A band? A sport you play? We use the word obsessed a lot. Anything we really enjoy can become our obsession-of-the-moment. And dating definitely falls into that category. For some of us, we’re obsessed with a certain guy or girl we’d like to go out with. Or, we’re obsessed with the person we are currently dating—wanting to spend every minute with them. Or, for a huge number of us, we don’t have a crush, but we are obsessed with the idea of dating—we wish we had someone to text with all day and night. No matter what your current relationship status, chances are you spend a lot of time thinking about, talking about, and dreaming about dating. And believe it or not, the Bible has a lot to say about it as well. In this series, we’re going to look at three key passages from Scripture that give us some clues how to enjoy the crazy world of dating without losing our minds.

Think About This:

We can probably all remember the go-to lines our parents used to say to us comparing life from when they were growing up to our lives growing up. And we’ve probably cringed when we heard ourselves saying those same lines to our own kids. Without even trying very hard, we’ve become a lot like our parents. And maybe nothing looks more different in our generation compared to theirs than relationships with the opposite sex. What has always been complicated now feels entirely mystifying.

The terms for dating and the cultural standards are different. What you may expect for your teenagers in your family may be different than what other families expect. In fact, your expectations and guidelines may vary with each of your kids.

Thankfully, the most important thing for you to do, has little to do with the cultural whims of the day, the current relationship status of your kids, or even whether you’ve had the chance to talk about it with your students before.

When it comes to your role in the relationships your kids have in the dating realm, your first step is to fill their tank.

Students (and children, and adults, for that matter) tend to make their worst mistakes out of a place of insecurity. It’s not a conscious decision, but when someone feels insecure, they’ll do just about anything to feel otherwise. In her TED talk, author and researcher Brené Brown says, “the people who have a strong sense of love and belonging believe they are worthy of love and belonging.” Meaning, every child comes pre-built with a tank made for love and belonging. So, if you work hard now to make sure your students believe beyond any doubt they are loved and they fit in your family, there is less chance they will look elsewhere for the affirmation and acceptance they are wired to experience.

No, this won’t provide them with an invincible shield of armor that fights off every potential dating pitfall. But it offers a solid base your kids can build on—an anchor that grounds them when relationships change. And when they know they have what they need at home, they won’t be as desperate to find it somewhere else.

Try This

While words are powerful, they’re only worth something if they’re believed. And belief comes from hearing messages and seeing actions that support one another. We know from our own experience that someone whose behavior and words match up is far more believable than someone whose actions contradict what they say.

Try choosing one of the messages below that you feel most strongly about your student believing.

1. You are accepted. You fit in this family just the way you are.
2. You matter. You are an important person.
3. You are better than you think. You’re more talented, more intelligent, and more valuable than culture gives you credit for being.

Now, think of one way action you can do this week to reinforce that belief for your student?

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Get connected to a wider community of parents at www.orangeparents.org.